Reclaim You- Understanding Overfunctioning and Embracing Slowing Down
Episode 27: Understanding Overfunctioning and Embracing Slowing Down
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In this episode of Reclaim You, hosts Sarah and Abby candidly discuss the subtleties and impacts of over-functioning in one's life, exploring the deep-rooted patterns, and revealing how over-functioning infiltrates various aspects of our daily experiences, from work culture to personal relationships.
Diving into their personal stories, they dissect the interconnection between over-functioning, trauma, and the relentless pursuit of meeting external expectations.
Through this honest dialogue, they shed light on the challenging journey of relearning the value of slowing down, confronting discomfort, and discovering self-compassion as a pathway toward healing and reclaiming one's authentic self.
The episode offers practical insights and strategies for those seeking to embrace slowness and navigate the complexities of over-functioning in the journey of self-discovery and recovery.
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[00:01] Sarah: Welcome to Reclaim you, a podcast published by the Reclaim Therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Reclaim you. This week, Abby is here, and we. We are talking all about over functioning.
[00:28] Abby: Yeah, I'm excited to talk about this. I think we both came in to today recognizing some of our own over functioning or kind of running on high speed settling.
[00:42] Sarah: Sure did. We were both kind of, like, prepared, putting things together, and then we both kind of like, oh, right, this is what we're doing. With a little exhale and putting things down and aside. Totally.
[00:53] Abby: Yeah. I physically had to put my notes aside because I can just be here and chat about my thoughts. So that can be enough.
[01:03] Sarah: Oh, that is enough. Right. Like, permission to slow down. It can be so challenging and so important.
[01:12] Sarah: Yeah.
[01:12] Abby: Something I've been reflecting on and working on personally for a long time. And I think it is sort of like an ongoing reflection and practice of slowing down and letting myself be instead of doing.
[01:26] Sarah: Yeah, it's like layer by layer. There can be a lot of layers. Right. In slowing down, and it's just like slowly peeling back those layers as you're ready. But, yeah, I'm excited to kind of dive into it. Where should we start in all of this? What's calling you?
[01:42] Abby: Yeah, I think just maybe starting with we said that the topic is over functioning and perhaps just, like, exploring what that means for us and putting our own sort of definition on the term over functioning for me, it really is this urge of just, like I said, doing, getting things done, checking boxes on our to do list, versus just being with what is so kind of like that tendency or that urge to go, go, do, do get things done. The function likely being, okay, this is making me feel very contained, in control, like, safe, because there's something to do, there's something to check off. So that's a really simple, personal definition of over functioning for me. I don't know if that lands for you. If there's other aspects of overfunction that.
[02:45] Sarah: Are coming to mind, that definitely lands for me. And I was just thinking about how for a long time in my life, I probably wouldn't have considered myself over functioning or overworking or going going because it felt so normal of just like, this is just what you do, right. It was this pattern that I probably started engaging in in a really young age. That just kind of carried through and nothing penetrated it for a really long time until the burnout started to set in. So it feels like to me, and how it's showed up for me in my life is noticing when I'm just, like, revved and thinking and doing and going and going and going. And like you said, not making space to feel into what's here in the present moment. And I think there's lots of reasons why we wouldn't want to feel into what's here in the present moment, because feeling can be really scary. Kind of like we talked about with Casey last week or a couple of weeks ago. It often feels really bad before it starts to feel tolerable or normal or anything. Like, I mean, I don't know if a lot of people can relate to that, like, not even realizing they're over functioning, because it just feels like what you do, what's normal, what's expected, what gets you through the day.
[03:57] Abby: Yeah, it's so normalized, and we see it everywhere. I hear people self identify as workaholics, or the emails never stop coming in or even saying things like, well, if I'm not super busy all the time, if I don't have all these things on my calendar, even outside of a traditional work day or school day or what have you, if I'm not booked, then I'm going to be thinking about a lot of things, and I don't want to go there. I don't want to be in my mind. I don't want to be in my feelings. That's too much. So. It's so much nicer. It feels so much nicer sometimes to be really booked, along with the definitions that I don't know we're coming up with. I'm just thinking of things that I've said, heard, that maybe align with that over functioning label tendency, whatever you want to call it, or that even. I think I've said it before, too. If I'm not going to do it, who will just kind of.
[05:02] Sarah: Does it? It won't be good enough. Like, it won't be the way that I'm going to do it, so I might as well just do it right. It can show up in that way, too. And what you shared, a light bulb, kind of came off in my mind. I remember when I left an agency, this is earlier in my career, I left an agency where there was a lot of expectation to work all the time. It was just the culture there of, like, you're on call all the time, you're expected to say how high when someone said jump, it was that kind of place. And I remember shifting to a different agency where the expectations were pretty low, the bar was pretty low. And I remember the hardest part for me was not having so much stuff to occupy my thoughts and getting to know what that narrative was up there, because I don't think I was even aware of it for so long that I was just going, going, going. And it was so uncomfortable, so uncomfortable. It was probably the hardest. And one of the most important things I've ever done is just learning how to be with myself and driving house to house, doing home visits, things like that. There was a lot of space for that.
[06:06] Abby: Yeah. There's so much discomfort in slowing down and being with yourself, as you mentioned. And I'm also imagining the guilt that might show up when you slow down, like when you take a different route. So it's not just so much more space to be with yourself, but then the messages we receive or kind of internalize over time that I need to be doing. I need to be going. I need to have a packed, full schedule with very little downtime to be productive and worthy for me, for sure. And I've heard other people talk about the guilt that comes up with my day looks a little bit lighter, or I have more time and space in my calendar. And that's scary for a lot of reasons. And I feel like this shouldn't be the way I need to be doing more. Because if I'm not doing, then what does that say about me? So much like guilt, unworthiness?
[07:03] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. It taps into lots of those negative self beliefs that can be formed at a really young age of like, you have to be proving or striving or pleasing or whatever it is enough. And then maybe you can believe it, too. But the problem is that you're functioning, you're working so hard that it's never good enough. Right. There's always more. There's always more to do, more emails to go through, more blogs to write. Whatever it is, there's always going to be more. So it's like the target keeps moving.
[07:32] Sarah: Yeah.
[07:32] Abby: It ties so much into other podcasts and topics we've discussed. I'm thinking, know, people pleasing. I'm thinking about the podcast you did with Casey last week on. Like you said earlier, it gets perhaps worse before it gets better. The other one that you talked about, sort of like work.
[07:52] Sarah: Yeah, the toxic workplaces. Yeah.
[07:55] Abby: So it really just connects to so many other topics. We've talked about the over functioning and how it shows up.
[08:03] Sarah: I'm curious. Before we were recording, you had mentioned.
[08:06] Abby: It feels so connected to me, like, parallel to me. And so if we think about over functioning as this idea that I need to be doing in order to feel better, I need to be doing in order to be worthy, I need to be checking off boxes, accomplishing, I need to be productive. And you draw the connection between that and diet culture. There's a lot of similar flavors, like diet culture kind of promises if you do XYZ, you will then be worthy. You're setting goals, you're accomplishing them, you're doing like, diet culture is very much about doing versus being. You're either doing some diet or some form of exercise or whatever it is to achieve or accomplish some kind of goal. And then sort of, again, if you divest from that, the guilt that comes in, like, I'm not doing anymore, I'm not working towards anything. Who am I? What do I stand for if not for filling my calendar or adhering to these food rules, these exercise rules? And then another parallel that I'm thinking about is how much our culture impacts both of those things. So obviously, culture is within the phrase diet culture. A lot of these are messages from outside of us that we need to be eating a certain way, moving a certain way, looking a certain way, to be worthy and to be lovable. Similarly, with over functioning, we're taught that message from a really early age hustle culture, just sort of capitalism really driving home this point that to be worthy and to be lovable, maybe even too, you have to be productive, you have to be making a lot of money. You have to be really scheduled out if you're in school, you have to be doing ten different extracurricular activities, getting really high grade, like doing all of those things. I'm thinking, too, in college culture about it's really pedestalized or put on a pedestal when people are just really exhausted and having no time for themselves. That's kind of praised in some ways.
[10:24] Sarah: Yeah.
[10:25] Abby: It's kind of like the culture sending the message that this is important to do.
[10:32] Sarah: Yeah. And I was thinking, as you were sharing about this idea of belonging and how the over functioning, whether it's in diet culture and being enough, good enough, healthy enough, fit enough, it brings this sense of, if I do this thing, maybe I'll belong. If I prove to my employer that I can handle all of this stuff, maybe they'll see me, maybe I'll belong. It was just kind of coming up for me. So I thought I'd name it because it's interesting to think about if the barometer for belonging or enoughness is constantly that external source again. We're never going to get there, right? The target is always going to be moving. So it feels like just this cycle of disappointment and then working harder and dieting more or working longer, doing more on the weekends, whatever it is. And you never actually get a chance to rest. And then rest, even then becomes even more uncomfortable because you're stuck in the cycle.
[11:33] Abby: Yeah, it really feels like at the core of both of them, the over functioning, the hustle culture, diet culture, is this desire to belong, this need. Not even desire need to belong. And also at the core, I'm thinking it just popped into my mind. Maybe not at the core, but maybe a part of both of those categories, diet culture and over functioning, is not really having to feel the intense uncomfortable emotions. So the intense uncomfortable emotions associated with the possibility, like, what if I don't belong? There's a lot of discomfort and uncertainty when we're not doing and super scheduled. There's a lot of discomfort and uncertainty in divesting from diet culture. We then sort of take away those promises of like, if this, then that. If I'm fully scheduled and I'm working all the time, then success and productivity and worthiness. If I am on this exercise schedule and eating this certain way and weighing this amount, looking this way, then that gets sort of taken away and then we're left with, what am I feeling? How am I experiencing this moment? And that's really a really scary place, especially if we haven't touched in to ourselves in that way in a long.
[12:53] Sarah: Time, even like, who am I, right? I think that's a big question of without all of this stuff, when all of the **** falls away and I'm just here with myself, who am I even anymore? After all of these years of hustling and grinding and striving and working, what's left? What's here?
[13:14] Abby: Yeah, it's a way to really, and this is not a bad thing, right? It serves a really important function. It allows us to feel safe and grounded in some ways when we are over functioning, going, going. It takes a lot of time to work, to slow down, and it takes a lot of time to build the tolerance for slowing down, even just a little bit. And it takes some time to build tolerance for that sort of uncertainty and the discomfort to be there. So I'm just thinking about the really important functions that over functioning play. We do it for a reason. It's not here for no reaSon. And I think that is sort of that first step of noticing it and labeling. Like you said, it can go unnoticed for so long because it's so normalized and we're all in this society that really favors over functioning, sort of notice it and then get curious about what function is that serving in my life. For some, maybe many, it is a really helpful strategy to feel grounded when everything feels so uncertain.
[14:24] Sarah: Yeah, definitely a strategy. Definitely a strategy to manage different states that you could be in otherwise. And I certainly didn't realize that for a really long time. And now that I understand it more fully, it's like, oh, right, that makes sense. That makes sense. I was trying to manage so much with this overworking, over functioning, over being, whatever it is. So it all makes sense as humans in the world.
[14:50] Abby: Yeah, this may or may not be true for everyone, but I think if we do stop and notice it within ourselves, like, oh, I think I might be over functioning in this way in my life. It feels really scary for me to not have plans all weekend long, or it feels really scary for me to shut the computer at 05:00 p.m. If that's your work day or whatever it is. If you start to notice that within yourself, this feels really scary to let myself slow down just a little bit or press pause, then we can start to get curious what might be impacting this in me. So, of course, culturally getting curious about what messages have I absorbed over time. And then again, for some, maybe not all you can look back to sort of early childhood family of origin to notice. Is this a dynamic that's played out in my family of origin? In my early childhood, was I someone who was like the problem solver or the fixer or the doer? And that was a really valuable role that was played.
[15:55] Sarah: Yeah. Were you parentified? Right. Like, did you only get love and praise when you were doing or achieving or hit some milestone or goal or whatever it was? Yeah. It's interesting to look at some of the roots that this activation in your body came from because it came from somewhere. Again, back to the strategy, it's all for a reason. And I think that curiosity can be really helpful of like, how has this shown up? Where has it shown up? How have I noticed these patterns in my life?
[16:25] Abby: Yeah. And it connects back to that people pleasing that we talked about, too. If we were the achieving, the doing, if that was praised, then we feel like, okay, this is a way to please other people in my life. And so this is the way to gain acceptance and love and belonging and feeling a sense of worthiness. So it makes so much sense that that would continue in different ways, add on the cultural layers, and of course we're going to fall into that tendency, sometimes unknowingly. So it kind of does keep slowing down to notice it, which, if we're functioning, it's really hard to slow down to stop.
[17:05] Sarah: Yeah. And, like, the ebb and flow of it. Right. Like how I can really notice when I'm being pulled towards over functioning these days. At least that doesn't mean that I always step outside of it. Right. I still over function quite a bit. Not as much as I have in the past, but no judgment about that towards myself or towards anyone else, really. But it's interesting. It's like the more you slow down, the more you understand how it shows up, when it shows up, why it shows up, even the more you have flexibility to land back in yourself when it is that you're ready to do that.
[17:39] Abby: Yeah, absolutely. Certainly not immune to over functioning every now and again.
[17:48] Sarah: Every now and again. Here it is. Here it is, knocking on the door.
[17:53] Abby: And that's the practice, too, of just like, yeah, sometimes I notice it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I notice it well after the fact of like, whoa, that was a week. That was a week really going, going. And what was happening for me that week? Was there something lingering underneath the surface that I just wasn't feeling ready to tend to or explore and letting that be okay? And then it's just the practice of awareness and is there a way that I can slow down today? And do I have space this week to maybe journal or what have you.
[18:27] Sarah: You said journal, and I was thinking about, like, right. That was actually one of the reasons we got our puppy. It's funny, I'm, like, putting words to it now. One of the reasons that I was like, yeah, let's definitely get a puppy. We're ready. Right? Amongst the chaos of. We have toddlers, too. So part of it was like, I will be forced to get up from this desk, get off the computer, stop working and take a break. That was actually one of the legit reasons to get a puppy outside of just, like, the adorableness of a puppy. And it's fun. And it was like, yeah, I will be forced to get up and get some air, get outside. And actually, it worked very well.
[19:03] Abby: Yeah. What a nice, natural way to build into your day a reason to pause. Sometimes we need the reason to pause. And other times we can give ourselves full permission. No, you can just pause just to pause. But I think that's really an important reminder too, for me that sometimes we do need sort of that external something additional push.
[19:27] Sarah: Yeah.
[19:27] Abby: To say, just pause and get outside and enjoy puppy time.
[19:33] Sarah: Enjoy puppyhood as much as one can.
[19:36] Abby: Yeah. That's such a good reminder.
[19:39] Sarah: Yeah.
[19:39] Abby: For me, and I guess just broadly, if you're recognizing I want to slow down in some way, but I really don't know how. This is so hard to get out of this pattern or this rhythm. It's so familiar. Maybe pausing just for pausing sake or slowing down for slowing down sake. It feels too much right now. So are there sort of more concrete things you can bring in to tangibly remind yourself that you need to slow down right now? You need to take a break right now.
[20:09] Sarah: Yeah. And I think that probably definitely changes in the different seasons of life. Right. When things are for me in my life, it's relatively chaotic with little kids and of course the puppy now and the work that we do and just everything else. I know that I do need a lot of those external cues at times to just settle a little bit. And in other seasons of life, it may be a bit more accessible or it has been a bit more accessible, where it's just like the slowness feels resonant and visceral in the field that I'm in. So figuring out how you can care for yourself through each season of life just feels really important. And being really compassionate and giving yourself a lot of grace through the process. Yeah.
[20:50] Abby: And it makes me think about how doing versus being is not necessarily a bad thing. There's definitely times that we need to take action and not just sit and be with whatever's here. Ideally, we're able to have that space to pause and check in with ourselves, but there's plenty of moments where this is a really important part of us, plays a really valuable role. And so not to get rid of it completely, but just to really practice the discernment of do I need this right now? Is this serving me right now? Or can I invite in a little bit more slowness? And yeah, there definitely may be moments where like, no, I need to take action. I need to write my to do list, I need to plan, I need to work that extra hour, whatever it is, letting both be there, but really discerning what's going to serve in this particular moment.
[21:40] Sarah: Yeah, it's making me think of one of the goals of trauma therapy is allowing the body to come back into its innate capacity for pendulating into discomfort and back into regulation and ease. Right. And how it's this lifelong journey, especially if you've spent decades of your life living in a mode of over functioning. To expect to be able to ride the ups and the downs and to notice when you're falling into behaviors and patterns all the time may not be possible for a long time. So it's like patience and slowness and grace for yourself. Just feel so important in this kind of work that we do.
[22:19] Sarah: Yeah.
[22:19] Abby: And it makes me think about how over functioning can definitely pop up in therapy, in therapy relationship. And again, talking about, I'm not immune to that either. We go to therapy to relieve some suffering, to feel better, and if we have those tendencies to over function, to lean more towards produCtivity, and let's get it done. Let's check the boxes on the list.
[22:48] Sarah: I need to be fixed. I need to fix this. Let's go. Let's do it.
[22:51] Abby: Yeah. I've definitely personally also been in a place of like, okay, how do we take care of this? What's the strategy? What's the game plan? How do we get rid of this thing that I'm dealing with? How do we just as over functioning can pop up in so many parts of our lives like therapy? It certainly pops up too. Wanting. And it makes so much sense. Yeah. We want to feel different. We come to therapy for a reason. And it can feel really scary and hard to slow down in the therapy process.
[23:20] Sarah: Yes, absolutely. And I know in our practice, we're all like, slowness is where it's at, which can be so frustrating, which I.
[23:30] Abby: Get really hard, really uncomfortable. And maybe through that, that's where the magic happens. Maybe that's where we start to even just that hour, whatever length of time in the week, that's maybe the place to allow yourself to practice slowing down if it's not possible or tolerable outside of a therapy session. And if you're not in therapy or whatever, maybe here's the fixer within me or the solution or the strategy. But if it's not tolerable all the time, where's that one place that I can practice just like, slowing down a tiny bit and being with what is and practicing, like, setting aside the need to know and fix and solve just to see what comes up. Scary, though.
[24:24] Sarah: Yeah. So important and so scary. Yeah. What are some other ideas or thoughts do you have about folks who can identify, like, oh, yeah, I maybe fall into this pattern or this way of being. What other thoughts do you have for folks? I'm like, here we go. Fixing. But what to do? Headline. Go to therapy. Check.
[24:44] Abby: And just to totally name and be vulnerable and compassionate for myself, like the fixer over functioner within me. And maybe it's not the over functioner within me. It's likely the really valuable part of my over functioning that generally prepares for these things. Because, again, there's value in this part of us. It's again, like the discernment of when does this serve? When does this not? So here I am looking back at my notes of just the brain dump that I had earlier. Again, there's a time where it's helpful and a time where it's not. And so, absolutely, I think this is a great example of me working on this, of like, I set my notes aside, I allowed myself to chill and be. And sometimes I want to look at.
[25:28] Sarah: My notes and it's okay to follow that impulse, right? It's okay to follow that impulse. Safety in that impulse, right?
[25:36] Abby: Yeah. And there's certainly value still, too, in my brain dump of this topic, I wrote things down. We talked a lot about them already, but just, like, the curiosity being that first thing. Yeah, we talked a lot about these things. The curiosity, the acknowledging how much it has served and where it no longer serves. So just what we described, discerning. And then I really did just write down, where can I slow down? Where does it feel okay to slow down? To just start to practice that and to build the tolerance for the slowness and in doing so, like, feeling the feelings in a way that feels tolerable again. So we're not going from zero to 100. But is there any part of my day or week that I can even just, like moving slower, speaking slower? It can be that. I don't want to say simple because it's not simple, but it doesn't have to be moving mountains. We can even just play around with what would it feel like to even slow down my speech today or wait to respond to that email for maybe like 30 minutes more?
[26:50] Sarah: Never. Can't possibly do that. Abby, I'm sorry.
[26:57] Abby: No, it's really hard.
[26:59] Sarah: It's so hard.
[27:00] Abby: So that's just like, sort of the brain dump thoughts that I had and then. Wait, let's see. Here we go. I did just kind of do some journaling writing for myself about the therapy that we do, that our practice often focuses on specifically related to that topic of over functioning. Coming into the therapy room, as it often does. Again, I'm right there with people who this might be the case for and just highlighting some of the modalities we lean on and think about. I wrote down how somatically focused we are and how that can be a really cool window into practicing exploring what slowness feels like in the body. We talked already about it, but we do a lot of parts work. So even just getting to know that over functioning part of us and going dialing back to what we said, it serves a function. And so if we get to know it, how can we work with it in a way that actually serves us? And we talked about sort of early childhood, family of origin stuff. So we do EMDR and thinking about how that is a therapy to process earlier stuff, trauma that may be linked in some ways to the over functioning piece. So, yeah, just to kind of throw some of my notes out into the podcast.
[28:20] Sarah: I love it. I love your notes. And just to plug real quick this free reclaim you portal that is going to go live very soon. Don't have a firm date, but is going to go live very soon. We're going to have the experiential exercises that will hopefully support people in understanding what we mean by going slow. So things as simple, as simple. I say simple of the concept, not of actually doing it, just to kind of clarify that of grounding and orienting and how that level of slowing down to just orient to your space can start to help your nervous system remember, like, oh, right, I can be here right now and not caught up in these patterns or the dysregulation that we're so used to operating from. So just to kind of plug that will of course announce when it's going to go live. But there will be some solid videos on there that will be uploaded every month that are going to help you figure out how to do this in real time. So that's going to be supportive and really cool once it's up and ready to go, hopefully by the end of the month.
[29:23] Abby: Yeah, I'm excited for that. That's going to be really cool.
[29:25] Sarah: Yeah. Abby has a lot of meditations in there, which is really exciting and cool. So, yeah, I'm excited for people to check that.
[29:32] Abby: Just a. It's always nice to have a central space know. Okay. I'm really feeling it there. Is there like one thing that I can just ground myself in? And I think going to a digital place like that is just going to be so nice, even if it is like a two minute guided meditation.
[29:50] Sarah: All right, well, anything else you feel like you want to add?
[29:53] Abby: Not anything that we've already touched on. I think just, it probably is clear through our conversation, like, I identify with this topic and it's always a work in progress, for me, at least. So I guess that's really it. It takes time. It requires us to let it take time.
[30:12] Sarah: Yeah. Let it take that slowness that we're talking about. Right. Like it all comes back around. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for chatting about this. I, of course, relate. I feel like lots of the things that you and I talk about, we both relate to. So I appreciate you as a human in the world.
[30:28] Abby: Thank you.
[30:29] Sarah: Thank you. Thank you. All right, everybody, we will be back next week for another episode. And until then, take good care.
[30:37] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim you. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website@www.reclaimtherapy.org, to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself.
Reclaim therapy provides specialized trauma treatment in Horsham, PA, body image therapy and therapy for eating disorders in Pennsylvania.
We are a group of trauma therapist near me who specialize in eating disorder therapy, therapy for binge eating, EMDR Therapy, EMDR for binge eating and EMDR for eating disorders. We also treat complex PTSD and provide therapy for childhood trauma in Horsham, PA. We’re passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from body shame, diet culture and the impact of trauma.
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