Why Am I So Lonely? The Deeper Truth About Disconnection
Season 2: Episode 38-Why Am I So Lonely? The Deeper Truth About Disconnection
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In this episode, Sarah and Casey take a deep dive into loneliness—the kind that lingers even when you're surrounded by people. They explore how childhood experiences shape our sense of connection, why loneliness can sometimes feel protective, and why "just make friends" is the worst advice ever. Together, they unpack the emotional roots of isolation, the role of emotional attunement, and how understanding your loneliness can actually be a path to healing.
Takeaways:
Loneliness is about disconnection, not just being alone.
You can feel lonely in a crowded room.
Sometimes, loneliness serves as self-protection.
Making friends isn’t always the fix.
Exploring loneliness can lead to self-awareness and growth.
Childhood experiences shape how we experience loneliness.
Emotional attunement is key to meaningful connection.
Social anxiety often traces back to trauma and attachment wounds.
Resilience and loneliness can coexist.
Join us for a conversation that validates your experience, challenges the myths, and offers a deeper understanding of loneliness beyond the usual “just put yourself out there” advice.
Thanks for listening to Reclaim You with Reclaim Therapy!
To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to https://www.reclaimtherapy.org.
Be sure to comment, like and subscribe here, or on YouTube and come follow along on Instagram!
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Sarah (00:37)
Hey everybody, welcome back to Reclaim You. Casey is here, good morning.
Casey (00:41)
Say hey,
good morning.
Sarah (00:43)
Yeah, and we're talking about loneliness today.
Casey (00:46)
Yes, spur of the moment topic. And it was brought up because I had my own therapy appointment this week. And lots of your therapists see therapists. It's good for us.
Sarah (00:48)
Yes.
Who's C-therapist?
Who's C-therapist? Who's C-therapist? I wonder who like the queen therapist is.
Casey (01:01)
Yes.
You know, many people have asked me that. Who is the one behind the curtain? Like the Wizard of Oz, but the Wizard of Therapy. We probably will never know. That's okay. But I was seeing my own therapist. And she asked me in the process of buying a house, or have bought house, finally. So I think, yeah, I think last podcast episode, I stole the hunt.
Sarah (01:05)
I
The Wizard of Therapy.
Congrats, congrats, homeowner.
I think so, yeah. It was, yeah, that was a number of months ago. Yeah, lots have changed since then.
Casey (01:29)
There was money talk, and we were still on the hunt. Mm-hmm. Lots
has changed. So we have bought a house, and she asked me, like, how does it feel to, like, sit in your house and have therapy? I was like, actually, pretty lonely. Like, this process has been pretty lonely. And so we got into the discussion of loneliness today, loneliness in the past.
And she's like, asked me like, you ever felt lonely in the past? And I was like, I don't think there's a moment I didn't. You know, like due to different circumstances and trauma and all kinds of stuff. thought, wow, if a 50 minute session with my therapist brought this discovery to my life, I thought about how it is transcendent into my clients. And obviously when you work with
Sarah (01:58)
Yeah.
Casey (02:17)
clients with trauma or clients with eating disorders, there's a lot that goes into that lived experience. And a lot of people that can't relate or struggle to understand, you know, there's a lot of misconceptions about eating disorders, there's a lot of misconception about trauma. And being misunderstood can contribute to loneliness. Shame can contribute to loneliness.
I guess what is loneliness is a good place to kind of begin, right? And I guess the way that I explain it to clients is it's a feeling, you know, an emotional pain that comes from disconnection. Disconnection from the world, disconnection from others, even disconnection from yourself. And as humans, we just need connection. We're pack animals, as my husband likes to say.
Sarah (02:42)
Yeah, yeah.
Casey (03:03)
It's just the way we were created. And when we don't have that, even for a short period of time, it can cause a lot of distress. It can worsen mental health. It can worsen, you know, your view of yourself.
And I just think at least acknowledging that loneliness exists, because I think it's not a topic that a lot of people necessarily talk about. It's like I feel sad or I feel isolated or I feel depressed or I feel like nobody understands my circumstance. And it's like, okay, there's loneliness, right?
Sarah (03:23)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah,
yeah. It's kind of like even if you're surrounded by a room full of people, there can still be this like lingering something and you can still feel lonely, right?
Casey (03:45)
Yeah,
totally. I mean, think it's loneliness can be protective. You know, even though you feel that pain, there might be a protective part of you that says that that's the safest thing to do right now. I know that's shown up in a lot of my life where there was a part of me that was very
angry that no one is coming to save me and no one is coming to do things but then there's a part of me that shows up and says well duh because that's not safe to do right no one can know what's going on no one can know your story no one can know where you're at right now and I guess I just hope that well I don't I don't hope that people can relate to that but I want people to know that you know even people who deal with this every day you know
helping people, that it's a very common feeling to have, at least at one point in your life.
Sarah (04:35)
Yeah, I think about like the templates, how like, how this can...
can start so early in life and kind of like ricochet out throughout life, right? I think part of my story is more of like emotions being too much, right? It was too much, know, too needy, too whatever. And so this squelching down of needs or, you know, relying on other people or asking for help, you know, having to keep it so internalized for so many years.
Casey (04:48)
Mmm, mhm.
Sarah (05:03)
you know, then ties in belonging. Like if no one can hear me and see me and meet my needs and, you know, be with me in this and I must not belong, which then reflects loneliness in a really significant way and how we carry that, that just like felt sense throughout our life and how impactful that can be in adulthood and relationships at work, you know, and how we just look at ourselves and take care of ourselves or don't take care of ourselves.
Casey (05:27)
Right, right. No, I appreciate that, because I think it brings up just the concept that loneliness can be part of an attachment, the wound. Right? It's like when you're in your childhood and you're not, you know, supported or connected in an emotional way, there's no attunement happening in your life. You interpret the world as just being lonely. Like, you have to do that to survive.
Sarah (05:50)
Mm-hmm.
Casey (05:52)
And so I think that when we're adults, we don't actually know what that looks like, right? Like what else is there? I know that when I've talked to my own therapist, I say like, you know, I feel like I'm a child again when I go and socialize with people. And I've always said like, I'm just so shy. And Sarah, you know, I'm not shy at all.
Sarah (05:57)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
No, Casey's not shy.
Casey (06:15)
I'm not shot in the exact opposite. No,
Sarah (06:15)
Casey's not shy. Yeah.
Casey (06:17)
no, I'm quite the extrovert. But that was a protective part, right? Like deny that part of yourself because it can get you in trouble. But I think you bring up like the shame piece, right? That we talk so much about in our work and you know, shame is toxic. It's pungent, it's ever flowing and hooking into things inside of us.
Sarah (06:22)
Mm-hmm.
Casey (06:37)
and that perceived loneliness, right? Of I don't belong, I'm not a part of, I'm unworthy or I'm unlovable is too much, I'm not enough, yeah. Really disconnects you just right off the bat, right? That's its purpose that it serves. And I think being able to understand that they, even that perceived loneliness has a purpose.
Sarah (06:45)
too much. I'm not enough.
Casey (06:59)
Right? It's so easy to say like, we'll just like make friends. You know, like, that's the key to loneliness. If you Google how to, I did it today just to test it out. How to cure loneliness. It's like go to a club or go to do this. And I'm like, wow, we have skipped so many steps. So many steps. What the heck happened?
Sarah (07:05)
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah
Like a
book club probably isn't going to be the solution. I mean, it might help a little because it's fun, but like not going to be the solution, right? You can still feel super lonely while you're at the book club.
Casey (07:30)
Right. No.
Yeah, and it can also feel super dangerous. Right? Like basically, you're telling me to do something that my whole life has been deemed threatening. And so I think remembering talking about loneliness, you know, in my beginning of my therapeutic journey, and it was translated into the form of hyperindependence. That's how it showed up for me. And that I didn't need people.
Sarah (07:36)
Yes.
Casey (07:56)
like I was fine just on my own right there's that like mustard up strong one and you know now I'm to the point where like I'm moving to a new town and have all this yeah we'll be neighbors isn't that so funny we started being local now I'm I'm just following Sarah where she goes I'm in good company
Sarah (08:05)
down the road from me like we were before I moved here. That is funny.
Come on up, come on up. Yes.
Casey (08:19)
But instead of, you know, two, three, four years ago being absolutely terrified to get away from the familiar, I'm now very excited. Like, we met our neighbors. And they're very nice. Very nice neighbors. I made them brownies and I did, I did. That created a little buffer for me. Right? So like those parts still show up. Like, yeah.
Sarah (08:27)
Hmm.
Aww.
You did.
Yes, yes, it's a nice like, yeah, it's a little bid for something, right? Yeah.
Casey (08:46)
a little like, will you find me worthy if I you cry? Yeah, I'm like, I'll just keep feeding you. That's totally fine. It's my love language anyway. But that's something that would have been so threatening to me at a time in my life. And so I think number one is understanding that loneliness has a very distinct purpose at times. You know, I don't.
Sarah (08:48)
Like, will you like me if I give you brownies?
Cool.
Casey (09:07)
I don't want to disregard that loneliness can be something that's forced upon you without your consent or control. You know, we live in a world that's pretty scary right now. And, you know, people's protection is often too isolated. And, you know, I've talked to plenty of clients throughout the years that, you know, they just put their blinders on, put their bubble in, you know, if it's just societal stuff or it's their own stuff.
to just kind of stay safe and stable. Depression breeds that, right? But that it's also something that we have created in our own mind to be resilient. And so, exploring that with yourself, how, or with a therapist, or even looking up loneliness from a trauma lens or loneliness from...
Sarah (09:36)
Mm-hmm.
Casey (09:52)
you know, a trauma-informed lens of like realizing and having compassion for that part of you. You know, I think, no, yeah. Yes. Yes.
Sarah (09:59)
of like yeah loneliness sorry loneliness is like here at the core right and then there's all these strategies around it right like
strategies that even just lead into loneliness because it's familiar you know and maybe you don't even identify what that is but maybe it's like an emptiness or a longing or like looking kind of feeling like othered in situations and things like that it's just this little thing that so much can revolve around to keep it
Casey (10:10)
Of course.
Sarah (10:25)
I'm thinking of like a little sunburst and things coming out of it and just keeping the little light, you know.
Casey (10:27)
that's really
good energy. It's a good, I like that. That's nice. It makes me think of Emily's podcast, you know, going through, you know, certain phases of your life and feeling behind. That can be another one, right? Like all your friends are getting married or they're having children or they're buying houses or they're getting new jobs. Loneliness breeds in social media, right? Like.
Sarah (10:36)
Mm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Casey (10:52)
people hanging out with their friends and like this perceived community that's developed. Listen, I don't want to knock that there is community in social media, but like, if you're in a sensitive or fragile place in your own life, it can really just trigger a lot of that reaffirming of whatever you're believing. And I just think of that like being too much. That one is just so, so strong and so common.
Sarah (10:57)
Yeah.
There sure is. And.
Casey (11:18)
for a lot of people and that need for like emotional seeing, like true attunement. And I think that's like that awkward stage. You know, I just think about like college and like those surface level, you know, take me back to the memories. And like those surface level friendships.
Sarah (11:18)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Oof. Oof. Oh my gosh, Yeah. Uh huh.
Casey (11:41)
Right? That like, you don't actually know much about each other, but it's like just this existence and this current plane we're in and how lonely that can be. Right? That I think coincides with I can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. And I think it's really hard to move through that core belief and be able to ascertain and learn
Sarah (11:49)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Casey (12:07)
what emotional attunement looks like and how it makes you feel. Shout out to Amanda, one of the dieticians from the podcast. I don't know if she knows this. I think she does. But her friendship with, you know, me and her helped me kind of learn what that looks like to really see what attunement and emotional connection in a friendship looks like.
Sarah (12:14)
Yeah.
Casey (12:28)
My husband taught me what attunement looks like. I didn't learn that at an early age, what that looked like. But that takes a bit of risk to certain parts of your system, right? But I think knowing that when you take those risks, you know, knowing that you can always go back to that protective place. You it's the best advice my therapist ever gave me is that if it doesn't work for you, just go back.
Sarah (12:51)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, it worked for a long time. So like go back, right? Try something new. Doesn't feel right? Like you can tiptoe back or you can dive back, right? Mm-hmm. I think we all do.
Casey (12:51)
Ain't no problem. Ain't no thing. Right?
Right. mean, even something we all do one step forward,
two steps back, and that's okay. Right. I mean, I think I remember early on in my relationship with my husband, I couldn't talk to like the cashiers, the wah-wah cashier, like at the grocery store. And now I'm like drumming up conversation, regardless of whether they care. It's like, hey, how doing? And just even that, like starting there.
Sarah (13:20)
huh. Yeah.
Casey (13:26)
Just saying hi to someone, like noticing how that feels. Right? Does it feel vulnerable? Does it feel exposing?
Sarah (13:32)
Yeah, it made me think about our podcast from Gosh, what a couple years ago about authenticity and how, right, there's this, this thing that can happen. And even when you're talking about college, I was thinking about how I think for a lot of folks in college, there's still this air of like trying to fit in, right? Like putting on masks to try to be what you feel like you need to be. And when you're so masked that you're not showing up authentically, of course you're going to feel alone or lonely.
Casey (13:37)
Yeah.
Hmm
Sarah (14:01)
or like you don't belong because you're not doing what actually feels resonant and right. And I think college is a wild time, generally speaking, because you don't maybe know. I don't think I knew, I think about college, I was talking with an old friend over the weekend who, we were like best friends in college, she was at my wedding, all of those things. And we've kind of lost touch over the years. And we were just catching up a little bit and we were both like, man, college, we made some really interesting.
Casey (14:01)
Mmm.
truth.
Sarah (14:27)
choices like no shame we've learned a lot we're a lot smarter thank god because we're almost 40 you know and also it's it's just wild to think about how we were trying to be so different than what we actually are right and i think that that's that's a huge piece of this is when you're you're not sure who you are of course because we're humans we're not always going to know but when we're acting in opposition or we're straying from ourselves over and over again we're not going to feel like we truly belong because like we're not even belonging to ourselves you know
Casey (14:31)
totally.
Mmm.
God damn. That's deep. That's good. This shit is deep. But I can't believe that didn't come to my mind. Truth. Right? Like those surface level connections that you have, at least in my experience, were more painful than not having anything at all.
Sarah (14:56)
Mm-hmm.
Shit is deep.
Authenticity is huge.
Yes, because
it's perpetuating familiar of not getting your needs met, right, and not really being seen.
Casey (15:17)
Yeah, right. And just this idea of reinforcing, like, cannot be myself and have this, right? It's like, I'm not deserving of having connection that feels good. And I think, you know, that can be a place where those articles make sense of like going somewhere, right? It's like trying to practice some form of authentic connection, either through something that brings you joy,
Sarah (15:28)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Casey (15:42)
or makes you happy and having social connection next to it. Right. And I think it's realizing that, you know, I dabbled a lot with like, how much information do I disclose to people? I was a chronic vomitor in the, you know, like just regurgitating all that information. and then being like, crap, now I've just disclosed my whole life. they're not going to want to be hanging out with me.
Sarah (15:47)
Yeah. Yeah.
Mm. Uh-huh.
My whole life history.
huh. Right.
Casey (16:08)
Which is perpetuating again this whole belief, right?
It's always coming to your beliefs. Always. Your whole life.
Sarah (16:13)
Right, it's always coming
back to the depth, right? This shit is deep, like we just said. Yeah.
Casey (16:18)
Right, and that's why
if you're struggling with feeling safe in connection or feeling social anxiety even, I think social anxiety is just a, it could be hot to eat. think social anxiety is trauma related. think it's attachment wound related. Not necessarily just a psych phobia of people. Don't come for me.
Sarah (16:31)
Yeah. Yeah.
people.
Right, it's developed over time from something.
Casey (16:42)
Right, and some wound that just keeps getting perpetuated and then we project it onto the world around us. And that's, you know, I think how loneliness breeds too is like, if I don't want to be with myself, my shame, then why would anybody else want to be around me? Yeah, mean, moments in your life and then, you know, we're not even speaking to like, just going through something very short term that can feel lonely.
Sarah (16:57)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Casey (17:10)
Right? Like this, this house buying experience was, was lonely on a, a bunch of different levels. I didn't have a lot of guidance. kind of just feeling like I'm on an ocean, my husband, and I'm like, all right, well, we're just going to figure it out.
Sarah (17:17)
Mm-hmm.
The life raft is tipping! no! Shit.
Casey (17:26)
I know, and it's like I have a question, shit, like I don't know who to ask. It's like
that island perspective. But again, will ebb and it will flow, and so if you have times in your life where that's happening, I think that's completely normal. Loneliness doesn't always have to be fixed, right? Just, I think anything that we talk about in here doesn't necessarily have to be fixed, because it's not something that...
Sarah (17:42)
Right. Yes. Yes.
Casey (17:49)
is broken, it's adapted. And so how do we adapt to what our core self wants or what we're longing for? You know, those wants and needs that we've denied over the years, learning to work with the part that's been denying them. And I know we're talking about a lot of deep, deep things. But I think at the root of it all, this conversation I had recently just made me think,
Sarah (17:59)
Mm-hmm.
deep things.
Casey (18:14)
Like really just letting it out there, right? That like loneliness is a thing that everyone experiences from time to time. It doesn't need to necessarily be fixed, but maybe understood. And that everyone has the capability to connect on some level, some level. And it might be something very small talking to the Wawa Cashier. You know, or it might be something big like developing a friendship with someone.
Sarah (18:34)
Right. Yeah.
Casey (18:39)
And anything in between is just fine. And I hope that when people experience loneliness and the emotional pain that comes with it, that they realize that like it can be temporary and that that pain can tell us something, right? What's the need, what's the want, what support is our system looking for? Can we honor that in some small way? And that loneliness is deep.
Sarah (19:01)
Yeah, yeah, even that acknowledgement that it's there when it is there, you know, because sometimes I find that it's easy to just rush past it, you know, because it's, it doesn't feel great, you know, and so much can come alongside of it. And so easy to just rush past and keep your blinders on and keep going, going, going until at some point you're like, like, what is wrong? Like, what's wrong with me? I think for me is what it usually turns into. Like, there's that shame piece coming back.
Casey (19:05)
Totally.
No.
Sarah (19:27)
And so acknowledging when it's there and, okay, so here it is, let's be curious, what might I be needing and what might feel so threatening to disconfirm a little bit of this? Because sometimes I think doing something that could disconfirm the idea of loneliness or anything else that kind of comes along with it belonging whatever, it can feel like such a threat because loneliness is, for a lot of people, it's been there for really long time and it's familiar and it sucks, but it's still familiar.
Casey (19:38)
you
Sarah (19:54)
And I think that can be said for things like eating disorders and all of the things that we talk about because shifting or being curious about something that kind of feels like opposite to what you're used to can feel just massively uncomfortable.
Casey (20:08)
Right,
right. I mean, connecting to your needs nourishment wise, you know, that can connect to things that we're talking about, right? And.
Sarah (20:12)
Mm-hmm.
Casey (20:16)
you know, on all levels, you know, just all levels of being, we all have needs and we all have longings in some way or capacity. But being able to understand that those needs can be met in varying degrees.
Sarah (20:31)
Yes. Yes.
Casey (20:32)
I mean, I think, you know, being able to acknowledge and yeah, it was a very profound therapy session because I just went like, my God, it's the first time I think I've ever connected loneliness to my life in a word. Right. And that there's sadness there and that there's maybe a little bit of shame there and just sad. Like, I don't know why. See, all my parts have shown up.
Sarah (20:44)
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Casey (20:56)
I'm trying to over explain
sadness. It just fucking is. It just is. It's just fucking sad. So, but being able to, yes, it sucks. I think knowing that, you know, a therapist or a support group or, you know, some person in your life that feels safe to acknowledge something like that can be helpful when we struggle to acknowledge it with ourselves, right? And I know this seems counterproductive, you know, to Ken.
Sarah (20:59)
Yeah, yeah, it's just fucking sad. Yeah.
It sucks, right? It sucks.
Casey (21:21)
somebody to combat loneliness, you know, therapists are a good start, support groups, just, just a cat, a dog, stuffed animal. I mean, really, you know, something that feels comfortable, like even TV shows, right? You can see maybe a feeling that you've experienced in a TV show being like, oh my God, that exists, right? Here's where social media can come in. Just sparingly, be careful.
Sarah (21:29)
Right, a being? Right, yeah.
Yeah.
Casey (21:48)
of like, you know, just being able to see other people's struggles and their feelings show up in different ways. But I think leaving that therapy session again, you know, it's that reminder that you can hold that, the sad, the loneliness, but also that there's this room for opportunity and reminder of my true resiliency in this world. And they can both be here and acknowledging both of them kind of helps the loneliness.
Sarah (22:10)
Yeah.
Casey (22:12)
So again, if you have a little bit of at least understanding in a compassionate form of this loneliness is really sad, but like it's really helped me in my life or, you know, I can also recognize being proud of myself or proud of myself for acknowledging it, whatever it is, it's, you don't only have one feeling at a time. And so you can hold both and that can kind of help support that heavy feeling that comes from loneliness.
Sarah (22:27)
Mm-hmm.
Casey (22:37)
Yeah. So the solution is not just go to a craft club, which you can. If it freaks you fuck out, there's a reason. Right? You don't have to, you know, white knuckle everything.
Sarah (22:42)
You can.
Go slow.
truth.
Casey (22:50)
You know, I remember going to my husband and saying, my God, I talked to one librarian today. I was so proud of myself. Or like someone came up to me and I didn't give them the death glare of like, don't talk to me. Not today. And that's progress, you know, and like understanding that if, you know, I had the like, kind of like a jump in my system, like a, a, ooh.
Sarah (23:04)
Not today.
Yeah.
Casey (23:15)
a little trickle of something in my body that felt not unpleasant. I don't know what it felt like, but it wasn't unpleasant. And I thought, okay, like maybe this is okay. Right, you have to build trust within these adjustments. And so it can be gradual, and that's okay.
Sarah (23:29)
It's so funny because you're saying that and it's so interesting how it's going to show up for differently for everyone, right? Where my impulse is to like jump in and to talk and to offer and to do, do, do, go, go, go, go, go, right? And the longer I've been working on this, right? Through this, it's like, I can notice the impulse to want to volunteer at the thing next weekend so that I can try to.
Casey (23:40)
Yeah.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Sarah (23:55)
like feel
a little bit more connected, a little bit more belonging, but what parts of myself am I sacrificing by doing that? Or what parts of my life? Right? So it's just so interesting how this can show up so differently for people. And just getting to know how you react when you're sitting with loneliness. Like, does it pull you in or does it like push you out? And then how do you work with that? You know, how do you slow it down on either end of the spectrum?
Casey (24:01)
Yes.
Yeah.
Right.
Totally.
Sarah (24:21)
say like, what's happening here?
Casey (24:22)
Mm-hmm.
Right? Because it's synonymous with how our nervous systems respond to these feelings. We're broken records at this point, but it's important because your body is telling the story. Your body and your mind and your parts are just telling a narrative of what you actually need or what feels good right now. And what feels good can change. It can stay the same. Awareness and curiosity is how we discover and change.
Sarah (24:26)
Mm hmm. Yeah.
I know you. It is important.
Yes. Yep. So here we are.
Casey (24:51)
only if we want to. I was sick of feeling lonely, so we do something about
it. So here we are. We're growing, we're evolving, we're not perfect. know, still get anxious sometimes and the urge to help and assist I'm sure is still present from time to time.
Sarah (25:00)
huh.
word.
boy, from time to time.
Casey (25:09)
time to time, you know?
Just from time to time. Yeah. And if you're lonely, you can at least connect to the fact that we have both felt lonely. And we have moved through it and come back to it and moved around it and found attunement in some way in some fashion in some place in our lives. And, you know, we honor that little
Sarah (25:13)
You know.
Casey (25:34)
that you're feeling. It's okay.
Sarah (25:36)
Feels like a good place to leave off.
Thank you, Casey.
Casey (25:39)
Come thank you.
Sarah (25:40)
You're welcome. All right, everybody. We'll be back next week. So until then, take good care.
Reclaim Therapy is a group of trauma therapists that provide therapy for PTSD, EMDR Therapy and therapy for Complex PTSD.
Our team is passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from diet culture, body shame and the impact of trauma.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.