Reclaim You- When Things Feel Worse Before They Feel Better
Episode 25: When Things Feel Worse Before They Feel Better with Casey
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Welcome back to Reclaim You, a podcast dedicated to healing from trauma, disordered eating, and body shame.
In today's episode, Sarah and Casey discuss the challenges and discomfort that often comes up during the process of recovery. They explore how it's normal for things to feel more difficult before they improve and offer valuable insights to help you navigate these tough moments.
Sarah and Casey share personal stories, emphasize the importance of self-compassion, and provide guidance on creating a supportive therapeutic environment. If you're on your recovery journey, this episode is a compassionate reminder that you're not alone, and there is hope, even in the midst of adversity.
Discover how building the capacity to touch into these challenging moments can lead to personal transformation and a more authentic, fulfilling life.
Whether you're just starting therapy or have been on this path for a while, this episode offers fresh perspectives and support to help you through the toughest times in your recovery.
Thanks for listening to Reclaim You with Reclaim Therapy!
To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to www.reclaimtherapy.org.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi there. Welcome to Reclaim You, a podcast published by the Reclaim Therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to reclaim you Casey and I are here today, and we're talking all about how things often feel worse before they feel better.
[00:33] Casey: Yes. Isn't that the truth?
[00:36] Sarah: It is. It really is. Before we started recording, we were just recounting all of the ways in our current life, things feel worse before they.
[00:46] Casey: Feel better and normalizing.
[00:48] Sarah: That especially in trauma recovery, eating disorder recovery, things can feel pretty ******.
[00:57] Casey: So ******. So ******. Every time I see a client, I never end a first session without telling them that this isn't for the faint of heart. Right? That it's really brave that they're taking this on. And I can see that people probably be like, oh yeah, they're just buttering me up or whatever. But it's a true story. Nobody really knows what it feels like until you're in it. And it can take people many years to start because change has to happen. And there's a couple of things that I think cause people to feel like it gets worse before it gets better. Number one is you're usually laying out all the things that you're struggling with, everything that's bothering you, all of the hard emotions, all of the things you cannot change, cannot control, struggle to accept. And it's probably the environment that you put them all together, one of the only environments. And so you look at that and you go, ****, yeah. Now what? Because none of it is organized right in the beginning. I call it piles of laundry just everywhere. And you have to sit with that for a while. So I think that's one part of it. I think number two is that looking at the way that you have coped with life, with compassion, but also with the understanding of is that serving you in the long run? Is that causing you more pain, discomfort, dysregulation, and starting to add new skills. Plus, also stepping away from your old habits can cause you to feel so out of control and so dysregulated because it doesn't feel, quote unquote, normal. Right? And the beliefs that we have about discomfort, it may be that discomfort means that it's wrong in some parts of your life, or that discomfort means that you're unsafe. And learning when that's true and when that's not is a really hard dance. And then I guess the third part is if we're looking at specifically the kind of work we do, somatic focused EMDR, really getting into embodiment that's so foreign from what people are used to in the therapy world. It's like, oh, we just have conversation back and forth. And it's like, yes, to a point but also it's so focused on you, which can be the last place we want to be focusing. Right. And who wants to be doing all of this weird movement in session with their therapist and who wants to be sitting and sobbing? It might feel really uncomfortable, but starting to just dip your toes in slowly but surely. That's further down the line. But I think those are the things I've noticed make it worse before it gets better.
[04:17] Sarah: Yeah, for sure. Especially when you're kind of like, at this point with anything, really, where you're just over it, whether that's some way that a part of you is operating in the world or your eating disorder and the behaviors you're using around it. Right. All of that starts to feel, like, comfortably uncomfortable in lots of ways. And maybe it prevents you from feeling in lots of ways as well. It prevents you from really getting in there and being with what is working on that. And like you said, change is hard. And being with change, it invites this little crack of a door open to see what's behind all of this. What could possibly be happening behind all of these behaviors and the way I'm operating and these parts and everything like that, which then puts you into feeling right.
[05:09] Casey: Totally. And I think that part, I think, is extremely challenging, while also having to navigate the idea of, like, so what now? So what now? So what now? What do I do? How do I fix it? And I think that it's such a strong I don't know what it is. It's like the urgency, right? We get dysregulated by even saying, oh, this isn't good, or I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, that we go right from that to how do I fix it? And knowing that it's not necessarily how it works is really hard for people. And it was really hard for me when I went to therapy, the amount of urgency I felt to just fix all of it was so strong. And my therapist would just stare at me with kindness and compassion, and the amount of rage I would feel right. Was so strong. So I definitely know what that feels like. And probably why I realized that compassion is so important. If we can't make peace or understand to a certain extent why we got to the point of being sick and tired, there's no way we can get to how do we fix it? Maybe some things don't have to be fixed.
[06:44] Sarah: Yeah.
[06:45] Casey: Maybe it's how you interpret those things. Maybe it's how your family has interpreted those things or people in your life. Maybe we need to get rid of some of that proposed shame or people pleasing or whatever. I think the most emotionally charged thing I usually see is right when we start to invite self compassion.
[07:08] Sarah: Interesting. Yeah.
[07:09] Casey: Because that's the answer to what do we do next? Right.
[07:12] Sarah: Always yeah, always.
[07:15] Casey: And I think understanding what that actually means has been such an interesting experience as a therapist because I think a lot of people that come in with trauma, with eating disorders, it's so focused on this diligence, and we do XYZ, and that's how it goes. And if we don't, then we are a failure. We are unworthy, we are unlovable, et cetera, that this is so foreign, this is so like, I hear things like, that's an excuse or that's an invitation to be lazy or that's just going to make me continue doing this. And to see people learn that that's not true is so exciting. And then the amount of emotion that comes from actually embodying that self compassion, and it's almost like that whole weight is just lifted. But getting to that point is really hard.
[08:10] Sarah: Yeah.
[08:10] Casey: Because you often just fight it. How can this be okay that I'm struggling with restriction this bad? Or how can it be okay that I'm self harming? How can it be okay that I yell at my husband every day? Yes. If you word it that way, it sounds terrible. But if you invite what is happening with you that that feels like your safety net, your protective mechanism, your way to survive, that makes things a little bit better.
[08:45] Sarah: Yeah.
[08:45] Casey: So sometimes it's taking the person you're caring for from the negativity judgment, and that's the worst before it gets better, of like, hey, let's invite a different type of perspective.
[08:58] Sarah: Yeah. And I think another kind of angle at that is even to use the skill of self compassion, invites you to acknowledge the suffering, right? And so if you're unable or so protected or guarded that you can't acknowledge that there's suffering behind the eating disorder or the trauma response or the whatever it is, then of course, acknowledging the suffering is going to feel worse. Right? It's going to feel worse because it's like owning it and saying, oh, wow, this is actually a really hard experience because judgment is like, you suck, you suck, you suck. Like, get over it, move on, whatever. And it's like, oh, I'm actually suffering like bloop plant you right in it. And then the compassion on the other end can lighten some of that load, right? But there you are, into the trenches and then back up onto the dirt road.
[09:52] Casey: Acknowledging that we are in pain or acknowledging that things have happened to us that impact us is so foreign to what society today, quote unquote, allows you to experience. Right? It's the get over it, move on, it's fine, you're fine, everything's fine, when the whole world is crumbling beneath you, knowing that that's not normal, as in, like, it's not something you have to do. It's just these growing pains. I think we reference them as growing pains because it is growth, which is a good thing, but it doesn't mean it's not painful. And why mixing the work that we do of somatics and EMDR to be able to allow you to feel the suffering in a safe place or in a supported place. And so for anybody who thinks they're going to have to go into a therapeutic environment and talk in detail about all of the terrible things that have happened to them, that's not what you ever need to do. And doing it slowly can sometimes feel painful in a different way. Like your parts will come out right, I should be doing this faster, this should be happening quicker. There's something I'm not doing right. When in reality, the slower and the safer and the more supported you are in doing this, the more long term effective it's going to be. And where true healing happens. And so I think that the worst part is also how you talk to yourself through the grueling, long, nonlinear process of healing.
[11:41] Sarah: Totally. It's these like micro movements in some ways. When you were saying that, I was thinking about a session that I had with a somatic experiencing practitioner recently. And we were working with this very small movement after doing some work for about 45 minutes. And my foot was kind of like flexed and we were just being curious about it. And I had this impulse to just drop my foot all the way, just like drop it. And she was like, what if we slowed it way, way down, right? And just like this little micro movement and being curious about the ripples from that micro movement instead of like, let me just fix this discomfort, I'm just going to fix it and not be all tense and tight anymore. But to just be curious of like, what is this little teeny tiny shift? How does that create ripples in my body and my experience in the here and now? And that just feels so similar to what you were saying. It's this slowness and this titration into not doing it all at one time that even little bits of discomfort can feel really destabilizing, but it can also be enough.
[12:44] Casey: Somatic experiencing is just so exciting. Yeah, super cool. And I think it can be representative of what we are not taught to do as a human in the community is discomfort is bad. You can't tolerate it, it's going to overthrow you. You are going to be in shambles. Like all of these things that I really think are supported by an unsupportive environment, right? Like we get those beliefs because we've never felt the safety and support and had the resources to be able to do these things. So in a way, a lot of this is exposure, right? You're exposing yourself to what it feels like to let go or to not maybe talk to that part that feels like it would be unsafe if we opened ourselves up or acknowledging the dissociation and working on grounding that's exposure and realizing that that's going to be hard. But also inviting that you have autonomy. You have the right to consent to whatever feels comfortable for you in the work that you do. I think that's a part that I've seen a lot in my work is the pressure that people may feel to do what a therapist says. And I really want to let people know that you do not have to do **** ever. Really? Like, you don't you could sit there and do nothing. I would respect that because is that what you needed at that moment? Right. And even if you try something because a lot of this is trial and error, this is not cookie cutter work. It's unique to the person. You might try something with a therapist and it'd be like, no, that's not working, or, Whoa, that's too much right now. That's totally fine. Pivot. We can totally change tactics. We can do something different. We can pendulum to something safer. I think really realizing that it gets worse before it gets better. With resources, autonomy, support, and safety. Yes. That I think we forget. Not we as in you and me.
[15:11] Sarah: But generally speaking.
[15:13] Casey: Generally speaking, that there's this pressure to perform.
[15:18] Sarah: Yeah.
[15:20] Casey: And that can be part of the worst. I know it has been for me in therapy. So much so that my therapist that I love so much right now asked me questions four and five times because she knows that I'm not what I actually feel the first time. And by the fifth time, you get the actual truth coming out. But realizing that that's a human protective thing and that feeling worse, it might just take time for that to unravel. And the more we talk about it getting worse, the more I'm thinking about is it that it gets worse or is it that we're starting to articulate what we need in our authentic selves?
[16:01] Sarah: Which just feels different. Right.
[16:03] Casey: Different. Yeah. Boundaries, advocating for yourself. And I don't know if that's connected to any other roots that you have. Right. I think also this idea that you come in with all your piles of laundry. You can spend a year working on one pile or one piece of clothing.
[16:22] Sarah: On one piece of clothing? Yeah. Like the sock.
[16:25] Casey: No, the sock. One of them.
[16:27] Sarah: One of them can't find the other one ****.
[16:30] Casey: It's in the other pile somewhere. You might think that there's some of these things that people were concerned about in your life or were worried about this part of you or whatever. But coming into a therapeutic experience, being able to decide what is causing me the most discomfort or what am I ready to even tiptoe around? Do I have to talk about talking about it first? That's something I do with clients a lot. We don't have to get into it real quick. But how does it feel to even entertain that you might be talking about this thing? How does that feel? I think that gives a little bit of grace that there is no requirement for amount of ****** things discussed.
[17:17] Sarah: Yeah.
[17:17] Casey: You can also talk about good things. We can talk about your strengths. We talk about your resiliency, your bravery, your ability to survive, your ability to pivot, your ability to protect yourself. Or like, I saw this really good movie and I want to tell you about it. Not all of therapy is ******. I get excited, I dance, I run around my office, we sing songs. It's all bit if somebody wants to do that, obviously.
[17:52] Sarah: Right? Yeah. I was thinking that that really is probably one of the most important parts of therapy, is that beginning to allow yourself to engage in those things, right. In the fun, in the actual experience of joy and connection and relationship. Right. Because when you can really expand those tools in that capacity internally, then when you're bounced out into the really distressing stuff, you have somewhere to come back to. You have somewhere kind of safe to land. Right? So I agree. I think that's probably one of the most important parts about therapy is beginning to be able to kind of go to those places and strengthen all of those things or the capacity to engage in all of those things.
[18:35] Casey: Does that part get worse before it gets better too? A little bit, right?
[18:42] Sarah: Yeah.
[18:43] Casey: Because a lot of the time, unless we've grown up in this really evolved, emotionally educated and connected environment, we're not taught breathing exercises, we're not taught how to be embodied and connect with pain and tension and discomfort. So I think the worse before it gets better also comes from the fact that it can feel really ****** to be a beginner at anything. The first time a therapist ever asked me, like, how do you feel? My first response is like, ****, that's why I'm here.
[19:21] Sarah: Love that truth.
[19:23] Casey: And I really gave her a run for her money.
[19:29] Sarah: Didn't you read my intake?
[19:30] Casey: Aggression. Right? So much aggression came out. And when she asked me, do I feel any pain today? I had to entertain like, I don't know. And then I'm like, oh, ****, should I be feeling pain? And then that shame that comes from like, oh, I don't want to not be good at anything, right. So I often do it with my clients. That's something I almost wished that my therapist would have done is say, oh, well, when I do it, I feel this pain right here and it's radiating or whatever, to kind of practice it with me to realize that I'm not alone. So I do that with clients sometimes if they're comfortable with that, we do it together. And I think realizing that your therapist can also explore with you and obviously it's not about us and we're not taking up the room to practice being kind of vulnerable in that space with you can make it feel better instead of worse.
[20:38] Sarah: It's funny, I was sitting with a group of, I guess maybe, like, millennial elder, millennial women over the weekend and reflecting on just what you said earlier, that for the most part, there wasn't a lot of identifying emotion growing up. Folks were saying how it was. You don't feel that way, or, like, suck it up, move on, get over it, dust it off. And that, of course, impacts things in the here and now of, well, I can't possibly tolerate that, which then when you start to experience it feels worse before it gets better, right? Here we are, back again.
[21:13] Casey: Yeah, that really is the ticket. I think that's a majority of where it comes from, right, is people come into the healing space with, I can't, I can't, I can't, I won't be able to. It's impossible. But really, where did that idea come from? Where did you learn that in your belief? Your tolerance is so small? I think we just remind people of their resiliency every single day, because what you've been through so far and you've gotten to this point speaks to that in and of itself. And then every little micro movement that you make in here or even every piece of information that you feel willing to share is a step of growth and a step of resilience, though it makes me frustrated that we've created an environment where we're not allowed to feel and at the same time create fear around feeling. I'm getting a lot of tension and discomfort right now even thinking about that. It's incredibly frustrating, but also that we get to be the people that create space for it to unravel. That is pretty cool. Therapy is fun. You all, I promise it is fun.
[22:27] Sarah: Sometimes it's not, but sometimes it is, right?
[22:32] Casey: It is fun. The beginning is awkward. It's like a first date.
[22:37] Sarah: It really is. Settling into is this a good fit? Are the vibes here?
[22:43] Casey: Yes. Are the vibes here?
[22:46] Sarah: Sometimes they're not, right? And that's cool.
[22:48] Casey: Totally fine. But also something to explore, right, is if things are feeling not like they're jiving or that they feel anything off. Explore that. I always tell my clients when we first start out, please tell me if something I do sucks. Please tell me if you don't like something or even if you just want to email me about it. Like, if you don't want to say it in person, totally fine. Because not having an environment that you feel like you can be comfortable, well, that's first thing. Exploring that with your therapist can be totally helpful, because maybe it's not that it's not jiving. Maybe a part of you isn't jiving with it, and that makes sense, right? Or maybe you go out and you see somebody else and you stay with them or you come back or whatever. That's okay.
[23:45] Sarah: It's all okay. It's all about you at the end of the day, right?
[23:48] Casey: It's all about you.
[23:49] Sarah: Shop around, read the websites, read the BIOS, right? If someone's a meh, you don't have to settle for a meh.
[23:58] Casey: Take the consultation, feel it out.
[24:00] Sarah: Anything else that we have on this that feels like a metaphor for life?
[24:03] Casey: Yeah, it does feel like a metaphor for life. I mean, worst does not mean wrong. Worst does not mean bad. Worse is not a reflection of you. Worse can mean new. It can mean different. It can mean stretching and growing and challenging and you're always going to be able to mix a little good with the worst. And that's our job. Our job is to support. We don't fix. We're here with you to create safety and support and permission, if you don't have it, for yourself to be in that worse and to get you to a point where it feels better. And I can't tell you how long that'll be, but I can tell you that we're with you the whole way, the whole journey, and caring for you and loving you through it and with the autonomy and consent to stop, change, pivot and move, it gets better.
[25:09] Sarah: It does. There is hope, right?
[25:13] Casey: There is hope, always.
[25:14] Sarah: There's always a little light at the end of the tunnel.
[25:17] Casey: Yes.
[25:18] Sarah: Well, Casey, thank you, as always, and everyone, we will be back next week for another episode, so until then, take good care.
[25:30] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim You. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website at www.reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself. Our.
Reclaim therapy provides trauma therapy in Horsham, PA, body image counseling and eating disorder treatment in Pennsylvania.
We are a group of trauma therapists in Pennsylvania who provide specialized eating disorder treatment and therapy for binge eating, EMDR therapy and therapy for childhood trauma in Horsham, PA. We are passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from body shame, diet culture and trauma.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.