Reclaim You- Feeling Like You’re Falling Behind In Your 20’s and 30’s
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In this episode of Reclaim You, Sarah and Emily discuss the common feelings of falling behind in life, particularly during the pressure-filled decades of the 20s and 30s.
They explore societal expectations regarding career, relationships, and financial stability, emphasizing the importance of building a supportive community and recognizing that everyone's journey is unique.
The conversation highlights the need for self-acceptance and the understanding that it's okay to not have everything figured out. They also touch on the impact of social media on self-perception and the importance of staying grounded in reality.
Takeaways
The 20s and 30s are often filled with societal pressures and expectations.
It's common to feel lost or behind during these transitional years.
Building a strong support system is crucial for navigating life's challenges.
Societal checklists for success can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
It's okay to change your mind about career and life goals.
Financial pressures are a significant source of stress for many young adults.
Self-discovery is a lifelong process that evolves over time.
Social media can distort our perception of reality and success.
It's important to prioritize what truly matters to you personally.
Embracing change and allowing yourself to grow is essential for fulfillment.
Thanks for listening to Reclaim You with Reclaim Therapy!
To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to https://www.reclaimtherapy.org.
Be sure to comment, like and subscribe here, or on YouTube and come follow along on Instagram!
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Sarah (00:06)
Hey everybody, welcome back to Reclaim You. Emily's here today and we're talking about something that's been coming up a lot in sessions lately and that is what to do when you're feeling like you're falling behind.
Yeah, I think we've all been there.
Emily (00:20)
Big Thomas.
Yes, we have all been there. We sure have.
Sarah (00:23)
Yeah.
So let's talk about, I don't know, I feel like it happens to all of us. We all feel like we're falling behind at some point or another. And it kind of feels like maybe I'm wrong because I'm not in my forties yet, but the twenties and thirties are just like pressure cookers for expectations and achievements. so much happens in those years of life. It feels like a pretty common, I don't know, experience in the world.
Emily (00:46)
Mm
For sure, for sure. I would agree. When I think about falling behind and the clients that I'm talking to about that and kind of my own experiences too, definitely 20s and 30s are what is standing out to me as well.
Sarah (01:07)
Mm -hmm. Yeah, as I look at 40, I'm hoping, you know, we'll give less fucks generally. That's the goal. That's the hope. So at least for me, at least for me.
Emily (01:15)
Yes. Yes. Yes. Even 30s, I feel like 30s are definitely better than 20s. So for all our 20 -something listeners right now, it gets better. It does.
Sarah (01:28)
Mm -hmm. Yeah. Let's talk about the 20s, because I think you're right. The 20s are hard. know, you're in school for a lot of people are in school or figuring out what they're going to be doing as they're like emerging adults, know, young adults, emerging adults. And it's like you're set up to feel like you have to have it figured out, like what you want to do for work, what the plan is, if you're going to go to school, if you're going to take time off, you know, where you're going to live.
Emily (01:33)
Cool.
Thank
Yeah, the 20s are tough because you're right, we're given all of these expectations, like a lot of times since we're kids of like, you know, you go to school, you graduate high school. For a lot of us, there was like pressure or like essentially being voluntold, like you go to college.
you go to college for four years, maybe you go on and get, you know, more education after college, and then you buy a house, you get married, you have kids, like you, you're kind of given these expectations as a child, and it's like, presented in a way that sounds very easy, in my opinion. And then we don't learn about any of these things, like we don't.
Sarah (02:34)
huh. Yeah.
Emily (02:38)
we don't also learn like how to be an adult like thinking back like you don't learn how to buy a house, you don't learn how to pay your taxes, you don't learn how to manage money always like we don't learn these like very crucial things so I think that the 20s is kind of this convergence of okay now I'm supposed to do all these major life things that are actually really hard I don't
really know how to be an adult because I wasn't taught how to be an adult. And then I think that for a lot of 20 somethings, it's like, I don't really know what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I feel a lot of shame about that. Because, again, I was told since I was like five, like, you got to figure out what you want to do by the time you're 16 or 18 or like literally still a child. And then when you're in the moment, it's like, well, I don't
Sarah (03:32)
Yeah.
Emily (03:36)
I don't want to do this. I don't know what I want to do. And again, I think a lot of shame comes up around that. So I think those are the big areas that I see that that really caused a lot of those feelings of like, I'm behind and this is uncomfortable.
Sarah (03:53)
Yeah, and I'm glad you said that because if you think about brain development, brains aren't fully developed until after, traditionally, people who are taking the traditional or expected or typical, right, quote unquote typical path of going to college right after high school, your brain still isn't even developed until after you're done with college. So it's actually pretty wild that the expectation is that people are gonna have it all figured out and know.
Emily (04:06)
Okay.
Yeah.
Sarah (04:20)
what field is gonna light them up and they're gonna be able to go into the work world and get things done and get good jobs or whatever. And even though the idea of a good job, that's an expectation too. Like what is a good job, a quote unquote good paying job? There's so much pressure to find that thing and find the right fit when really, I mean, I know for me in my experience, there are so many stepping stones to get to.
Emily (04:36)
okay.
Mm -hmm.
Sarah (04:49)
where I am now and who knows like where I'm going from here, you know?
Emily (04:52)
Totally, totally. That's actually a big one that stands out to me, like a moment that I felt really behind. I, in college, changed my major so many times. I didn't really know what I wanted to major in. Like, I was interested in psychology. I ended up going in as a fashion merchandising major. I did. Yeah, I actually...
Sarah (05:13)
You did. I didn't know this about you. This is amazing. I mean, it makes sense. It fits. It fits.
Emily (05:19)
I actually started as a fashion merchandising major. Did that for like a year and then I was like, eh, like this doesn't really feel like the fit. Did journalism, like communication, I think communication for like a hot second, like a semester. And then kind of panicked and was like.
I'll go to law school as one does. So I actually graduated with political science undergrad, took my LSATs, got a job in a law firm, was like in the process of applying. But I'm so glad, looking back, I'm so glad that I got that job in the law firm because I was like, I hate this. Like, this is so boring. These attorneys are so miserable.
this idea that like, I'm gonna like go to court and like fight for like all these, you know, wrong people and climate change and like all these cool things. Like I was like, they just read like insurance documents all day. Like this is really boring. I don't wanna do this. So I was like, I'm not going. And I did feel...
really lost at that moment. Like I was still living at home. I now like didn't know what I wanted to do. My parents were like, listen, like you can totally stay here. Like we're not kicking you out, but like you gotta get a full -time job. Like I didn't, I just like didn't know what I wanted to do. So I ended up moving to Philly because like all my friends were down here.
I gave myself a couple years, I worked in nonprofit agencies and did some more legal, paralegal work, things like that, and really kind of took that time to be like, okay, this didn't work out. You realize that this wasn't what you wanted as a career. So let's try to look at what are your interests? What are things that jazz you up? What are things that you're passionate about? And what do you want out of a career?
because I realized like I don't want a traditional nine to five. I don't want to be like chained to a desk, like doing paperwork all day. And that was really helpful for me to be like, I love psychology. Like I'm so interested in psychology. I've had my own struggles with mental health and like have been really helped by, you know, therapists in the field. And that doesn't seem like the traditional nine to five that I don't want.
so in kind of doing that, I was like, I feel like I would love that. And I feel like I would be good at that. So I looked at some programs, I went back to school and here we are. And I felt, you know, in those couple of years, I felt really behind and it was, you know, mid twenties, I'm in school, I'm doing my internship. I'm not able to kind of work the way that my friends were. And that felt uncomfortable, but looking back, I'm, I'm so glad that I
Sarah (07:56)
Here we are.
Emily (08:15)
was behind because I ended up somewhere so awesome that like I, I don't think I would have gotten here if I didn't go through the steps that I did.
Sarah (08:27)
Yeah, during that time, how did you navigate that when your friends were doing their nine to fives, probably making money, having maybe more resources to do things that you were able to do? It feels like a recipe for lots of loneliness and of course comparisons. Yeah, so how did you weather that storm? How did you navigate that and kind of find your way out of it?
Emily (08:34)
They were, yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Yeah, the biggest thing that's sticking out to me is like building a really solid support system and I was very lucky in that. I had really amazing friends. I had, you know, a really amazing partner, my now husband. I had my family and just really building that and even beyond that, like my program was awesome. My professors were awesome, like the people that I met in my program.
were amazing. really building that support system of people that, you know, that weren't in school, like they, they didn't have like, the actual knowledge of like, what it felt like, but they were, they were there to listen, they were there to help me out if I needed it. And then like in school, I think for anyone that's thinking of going back to school for something, no matter what, like,
building that community of people that are also there that you can talk to and be like, this is hard or like, I'm stressed or like, this feels really uncomfortable. Like that was really, really helpful for me. And validating that like other people are also feeling this and I'm not so alone in this feeling.
Sarah (10:01)
And it feels important to also keep in mind and name the cultural pressures. And like we talked about at the beginning, the checklist that society really has for people, generally speaking, that we're gonna have things worked out, figured out when the reality is, that that's a pretty rare experience to have everything figured out, you know?
Emily (10:06)
Mm
Absolutely, absolutely. And I shared that story with clients a lot because I feel like that is what I'm hearing in sessions with my clients who are in college or even like late high school, like about to graduate high school and clients in their early 20s, they're being like,
I don't know what I want to do and like something's wrong with me and it's like whoa, whoa. Nothing's wrong with you. Like this is a very, very normal experience and it is okay not to know. It's also okay to try things and realize that you don't like them and try something else because in reality you are still very, very young. You have a lot of time ahead of you.
You don't need to rush anything. You don't need to force anything that doesn't feel like the right fit.
Sarah (11:12)
Yeah, yeah. And even, you know, moving into the 30s, and we don't have experience in the 40s like you said, so the 30s, like moving into the 30s, it feels really similar that, you know, you may change your mind. You may realize that what you thought you wanted or thought would light you up, you've been doing it for a little while, or maybe you even just dabbled in it. And it's like, wait, that actually wasn't mine. That's like society's or that's my parents or that's whoever I'm trying to.
to match or be like someone else in my life or people that I've seen. And so that can feel really uncomfortable when you've spent some time doing what you're doing and feeling like, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and I'm not where I want it to be. And what do I have to do? And do I even like this? Or do I love this? Or what do I like? And who am I in the world? Can feel like a whole other transition and sort of like mini crisis. That feels like a big crisis in lots of ways.
Emily (12:00)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah, totally, totally. And I think that is a really, a really important point. Like you are never too old to, you know, be able to question like, is this still the right fit? Like, are my interests shifting? Like, I think that's just part of being a human.
Sarah (12:29)
Mm -hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And think in the 30s, maybe even like late 20s, I know for me, I don't know, this one thing, this one part stands out to me. And I don't know when I thought it, how I thought it, but who knows? I was like, okay, I'm gonna get married. I'm gonna have kids by the time I'm 28. For some reason, that was like my number. 28 was a number. I did get married young. I was like a child bride, right? I was 24 when I got married.
Emily (12:47)
okay.
I
Sarah (12:56)
Yeah, and I was like, yeah, I'll have kids by the time I'm 28. Like, and obviously that did not happen.
I did in lots of ways feel left behind in starting a family, but at the same time, I was starting a private practice and navigating building a business, right? And so I had like this other little baby that I was kind of like growing and tending to and things like that. And a lot of times, like starting a family doesn't go the way that we expect it to go and plan for it to go. And it can take a lot longer. And some people don't even get to get to that, you know, milestone or expectation they have for themselves or desire they have for themselves.
think that's another transition to like marriage thing, the starting a family thing, you know, even like finding a partner in the world, there can be so much pressure in like getting that done and having that, you know, secure and locked down by the time you enter your 30s. That's a really a hard one that I find folks that I work with are kind of grappling with a lot. And when there's that much pressure, we have to make decisions that aren't in alignment with, you know, what we actually value.
Emily (13:46)
Mm -hmm.
Sarah (14:01)
you know, and who might actually be a really, you wonderful person to spend life or time with. So, I don't know, what thoughts do you have around that? That's a big one.
Emily (14:01)
and
you
Absolutely, absolutely. No, that's a big one that stands out. Like you were saying, like late 20s into 30s. I see that it kind of transitions from career to, okay, maybe now I got my career settled enough. Now I have to find a partner, get married, have kids. And I think that there's a whole nother.
like you were saying, there's a lot of complications that come around starting a family if one does want to start a family. I think especially women because we also have that good old biological talk. So there's a lot of pressure there and it's hard to navigate. I'm thinking kind of my own journey in my 30s and thinking about starting a family.
Sarah (14:51)
Biological plaque. Yeah. Yeah.
Emily (15:05)
I feel very behind in that because I didn't know if I wanted kids or not until a year two ago. And that felt really late. And that was something that, you know, I put a lot of pressure on myself before that. And I felt like a lot of pressure was put on me. It was like, okay, like you're getting up there, like you're married now. Like, what do you mean you don't know? And
Sarah (15:31)
huh. huh.
Emily (15:33)
It was, it was a lot. It was a lot to navigate and it can feel very lonely when there's people around you that have decided in either way, like people that are like definitively like either I want kids or like I have kids already or people that are like no this just is not not the the choice that's right for my life and like when we're in the middle of like well I I still don't know and I'm in my 30s like
Sarah (15:36)
Yeah.
huh.
Emily (16:03)
That feels uncomfortable.
Sarah (16:04)
Mm -hmm. Yeah, and what feels most important is staying, just staying like companion to yourself through that, right? not abandoning yourself through that process because you feel like there's, you know, the shame that comes along with that because you feel like there's something wrong with you from a societal perspective. The expectation is, well, of course you want kids, like you've been married for this many years.
Like, come on, get on it, what are you doing, right? How would you not want kids, you know, that expectation that it's just inherent in everyone? And it's like, absolutely not. And there's nothing wrong with that, you know? Yeah, it's like parsing out like what's theirs and what's yours. And it's okay to stay with what's yours and what you really desire and want for your life because this is our only life, right?
Emily (16:28)
Yeah.
So.
clearly.
Thank
Absolutely, you know, obviously deciding if you want to start a family or not is, I think, a big area where people can feel very behind in like late 20s, 30s, I think even later. I think going back to also...
Sarah (17:05)
Yeah.
Emily (17:09)
partnership, marriage, things like that. That is also so hard for so many people. And I feel like it's always been hard, but even more so since COVID, I want to say. I feel like I've noticed a huge shift. Online dating is very hard. I feel very fortunate that I don't online date from the stories that I've heard, but I...
Sarah (17:28)
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Emily (17:36)
I've heard so many just be like, I don't know how I'm supposed to do this because this is what everyone does. And I am not finding quality people here. So like, what am I supposed to do? And that is so stressful for so many people.
will say I have two friends that have gotten married. They met their spouses on Tinder. There is no, there is no. Yes.
Sarah (17:56)
There's hope. There's hope. my gosh. Yeah, I know there is hope. We hear success stories too. But gosh, you know, the way of the world right now, it does not make it easy to date.
Emily (18:08)
No, no, and everything's, and I think part of that is like the shift to online, like, you know, that the shift to online has made so many things convenient for sure, but with dating with something so personal, I think that that's a really tough one. And it makes sense to me why that feels like such a struggle for something that I think I ideally
would be happening in person so we can read vibes, so we can get those initial responses not through two screens.
Sarah (18:44)
Yeah, and even the fact that the swiping, right? It's like any other social media There's always something new to look at, something new to consume and to be influenced by, right? These apps, if you're swiping, swiping, swiping, it's like, well, who's gonna be next? Who's gonna be next? Could there be more? Could there be, right, better, whatever? And so, yeah, it's just a mess and it's awful. So whoever's online dating, I'm sorry. I hope that you are a success story.
Emily (19:06)
Thank
Yeah. Yes, yes, same, same. there again, there are the success stories. But I totally get why that's hard and that pressure again of, okay, like, here I am, I'm in this stage of my life that I'm supposed to find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Like, I think it can be easy to feel like
you have to settle and like you were saying, like really being mindful of that and trying to stay true to yourself and that you don't have to settle. You're worth so much more than just settling for someone because you feel like you have to. So I think with that like having really good support if that's something that you feel a lot of pressure like
going to therapy, talking about that because that is such an area that we do want to make sure we're staying true to ourselves.
Sarah (20:12)
Yeah, and then just the knowing, I guess, this feeling of feeling left behind or feeling behind in things, I think it shows up ongoing in different iterations over time, right? And if we're not...
settling back into what we want our life to look like and what we really value and what we want in relationships and what this kind of felt experience that we're desiring is, we're gonna get caught up in all the bullshit and feel like we're not where we're supposed to be. It's so easy to do it on the internet to just be scrolling and to see people doing really cool shit, like on vacations and traveling and...
Emily (20:46)
-huh.
Sarah (20:56)
whatever it is and feeling like, whoa, whoa, whoa, am I doing something wrong here? why aren't I traveling every other weekend? And so it's easy to get pulled into that. And then coming back to yourself to say, like, wait a minute, do I actually want to travel every weekend? is that the lifestyle I really want to be to be living? that's all it's all smoke and mirrors, right? Who knows what's actually going on behind the scenes, you know, that reality check too. But, you know, there's
Emily (21:01)
Hmm.
Sarah (21:22)
there's always going to be something that can pull you away from yourself.
Emily (21:25)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Absolutely. I think that brings up another area that people definitely feel behind in, and, you know, especially the 30s, like, finances, can you buy a home, things like that. I feel like that comes up a lot of, you know, maybe affording a house is really hard, or maybe I can't travel, maybe I feel like I don't have...
enough saved up or the amount that I should have saved up. feel like finances are coming up a lot in sessions lately. And we got to just acknowledge like, our especially like millennials like this, this kind of 30s age range. We are not our parents generation. And that is where that information is coming from.
Sarah (22:16)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Emily (22:20)
They had many, many, many different advantages that we do not have. And life is really expensive right now. It is hard to save money. It is hard. So I've been trying to bring that up with clients that are feeling a lot of shame about that.
Sarah (22:27)
is for sure.
Emily (22:43)
these kind of archaic messages that we've gotten about finances just cannot apply in this world that we live in today.
Sarah (22:51)
Yeah, that's a great point. Talking to my parents too, and they're math teachers, they're numbers people. I'm so not a numbers person, but right? They don't know the experience of...
Emily (22:59)
my god, no.
Sarah (23:04)
having student loan debt the way that my husband and I came out of college with, and then having a mortgage, and then having kids in daycare full -time. Thank goodness one of mine is out of the daycare system now, but this shit is expensive. The expectation that college savings plans should be at a certain point and loans should be completely gone, and that we should be really chipping away at this principle of the mortgage It's like, where?
Emily (23:19)
Mm -hmm.
Sarah (23:32)
Where is all the money coming from? Am I doing something wrong? What else do I have to do? But also, one of my values is not working my life away, being present so that I can be with my kids and hang out with my husband and my dog and do shit that actually brings us rest and ease, not more stress.
Emily (23:53)
Absolutely. Absolutely. I completely agree with that. There are other things that I want to be prioritizing and doing instead of just having all this stress that I have to pay all of my student loan debts and all of that off. I always joke they're not going anywhere. They're gonna die with those loans.
Sarah (24:16)
Ha ha ha
Emily (24:20)
think it is like coming back to like, okay, do I want to like work my ass off and like get him paid off in 10 years? Like at what cost, you know?
Sarah (24:32)
Yeah, yeah. And then we could talk more about retirement and saving and how much we quote unquote should be putting away or capable of, it's all, right? you can look at it from a lens of the source of where it's coming from and what's realistic for you, you're allowed, and some people listening to this might be like, shit, I want my student loans gone in 10 years. Awesome, good for you. Do that, tackle that
Emily (24:48)
Thank you.
That's amazing. Yeah.
Sarah (24:57)
And other people might be like, yeah, I'm gonna die with cool. Fine, it's your life. You actually get to choose. There's a lot of autonomy in this. You get to choose what your life looks like. It doesn't have to look like what your parents or your sister or your brother or your grandfather, whoever, what their life looked like, or the people on Instagram or TikTok.
Emily (25:00)
Yeah.
you
Absolutely, absolutely. I think that that's a really important question. Like if you, if you don't want to get married, if you don't want to have kids, if you don't want to buy a house, like you don't have to. It, these are things that were kind of given to us by society. But I think recently, like people are really starting to question like,
I don't want this. Like, why do I have to buy into this? And like, that's the awesome thing. Like you don't. So it's, it's really doing the work and being like, okay, like, what do I want my life to look like? What will fulfill me? And there is not a rule book like that. That is truly a hundred percent up to me. I think that that can be a really beautiful thing when we let go of that shame and that pressure.
Sarah (25:46)
You don't have to.
Yeah, yeah. And then giving yourself permission to grieve maybe what you did lose that you wanted, right? That wasn't what you expected or where you are now maybe wasn't where you hoped you'd be. There's a lot of grief in that and it's okay to experience grief and not couple it together with shame, you know.
Emily (26:12)
I'm going him.
Totally. Totally. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Sarah (26:28)
Yeah, and your desires are gonna change over your life, right? So maybe in 10 years, you'll wake up and be like, I want these, student loan's gone, I'm gonna do this thing, right? And that's okay too, to give yourself permission to shift and to change and to grow into the person that you wanna be or grow out of the person that you don't wanna be. It's all this process, I think, of just reclaiming who you are over and over again throughout your life.
Emily (26:30)
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I think remembering life is a flow life. Life is fluid. It's not static. We don't get somewhere and just stay there for for the rest of our lives. Things are going to change. They're going to ebb they're going to flow. They're going to be good. They're going to be tougher.
going to be interested in one thing one day and you know down the line we might not be interested in it anymore and that is that is just being a human that is alive in my opinion in my opinion yeah yeah
Sarah (27:21)
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I was looking online before we started and I found this really lovely article on Medium and the guy that wrote this, what's his name? Let me scroll and see. His name is Harsh Darjeet. I'm sorry if I mispronounced your name, but I'm going to read the last part that he wrote because I think it just kind of like encapsulates all that we talked about.
Emily (27:30)
Hmm.
Sarah (27:45)
It says you are not falling behind in life. You're figuring out what truly matters to you. You're not falling behind in life You're building a foundation for future success. You're not falling behind in life. You're mastering patience for greater things You're not falling behind in life. You are running your own race at your own pace
You're not falling behind in life. You're experiencing life. You're not falling behind in life. You're falling into life.
Emily (28:09)
Mmm. I love that. I love falling into life. Mmm.
Sarah (28:13)
Yeah, I love it too. Yeah, yeah. So I think that that sums up pretty much what we just said. Yeah, yeah. Anything else you want to share?
Emily (28:19)
Hmm.
I love that. Thanks for sharing.
feel like as always, social media plays a big role in this, just our, you know, my little plug of just stay mindful with your social media. It's not real life.
Sarah (28:40)
Yeah, get out there, be in real life where you're able to.
Emily (28:43)
Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah (28:46)
with you. well thank you friend. All right everybody, we will be back next week for another episode and until then take good
Emily (28:48)
Yeah, thank you.
Reclaim Therapy is a group of trauma therapists that provide therapy for eating disorders, EMDR Therapy and therapy or Complex PTSD.
Our team is passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from diet culture, body shame and the impact of trauma.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.