What is Co-Regulation
Welcome to part III of “What Even is Nervous System Regulation Anyway?”.
In the last two parts of this blog series, we discussed
The autonomic nervous system (what it is and how we can work with it for healing) and
Neuroception (the process that explains how trauma can make it hard to read situations and people). Be sure to read those before diving into this one!
“Nervous system regulation”, as a concept, is getting a lot of buzz these days, and for good reason!
Our nervous systems do so much for us. And when we’ve experienced trauma, they are deeply affected and carry us through life in unique ways thereafter.
Along with “nervous system regulation”, you may have heard of “co-regulation”.
Before we talk about co-regulation, it's important to talk about self-regulation.
What is self-regulation and why is it not enough?
Self-regulation is the process of managing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in response to a situation.
Self-regulation tools include things like deep breathing, affirmations, journaling, etc.
You can think of self-regulation as the coping tools you use on your own. Coping tools are incredibly helpful to develop and practice.
And yet it’s not enough. We, as humans, are designed to be in a relationship. We can’t live without one another.
So if self-regulation isn’t enough, then what?
Co-regulation: What is it and why is it so important?
Co-regulation is the process of two or more people connecting and finding safety in a relationship. We are born seeking connection, and our early experiences of connection (or lack thereof) shape our nervous systems and the stories we develop about relationships overall.
Co-regulation takes place early in life when a caregiver is attuned enough to a child’s needs and responds accordingly.
When a baby cries, co-regulation happens when a parent acknowledges that cry and responds with either a feeding, a rocking, or something else the child needs. Every time this happens, that child’s nervous system is being shaped in a way that helps them develop the story that relationships are safe.
[Of note, caregivers don’t have to be perfect co-regulators all the time. A concept of “good enough parenting” drives this message home. You don’t need to be perfectly attuned all the time for a child to feel safe in a relationship. What’s most important is that when there is a rupture in connection, caregivers are working to repair that rupture more often than not.]
We don’t develop the ability to self-regulate without experiences of co-regulation.
How else would we learn to regulate ourselves without having had prior experiences doing so with other beings?
When we experience ongoing moments of co-regulation, slowly over time we develop a greater capacity for self-regulation. This doesn’t ever take away the need for co-regulation, however.
It’s not that we ever “arrive” to a point where we can fully regulate ourselves and never need anyone again.
When co-regulation experiences are chronically lacking throughout development, nervous systems respond accordingly, developing the story that relationships are unsafe.
The beauty in all of this is that our nervous systems are flexible and can be re-shaped which is why this concept of co-regulation is so important.
How do I co-regulate with others?
So what does this actually look like? And what happens if there isn’t anyone safe to co-regulate with?
Beings in Your Life
You can think of the following questions to begin to consider your own experiences of co-regulation.
Who/what is a part of your support network? Think: humans, plants, animals.
When you think of the important people and beings in your life, who do you feel most regulated with? And conversely, with whom do you feel a sense of mutual dysregulation?
Co-Regulation in Therapy
If it’s challenging to think of co-regulating beings in your life, that is okay! If deeper connection is something you are longing for (which, in my opinion, we all are), there is a lot of hope.
Co-regulation naturally can happen in the therapy context.
Simply being in the presence of a therapist (that you connect with) who is present, attuned, and safe is hugely regulating to the nervous system. Knowing that the person who is sitting before you isn’t distracted and is regulated themselves is re-shaping your nervous system as you speak.
Co-regulation with a therapist is also happening every time that therapist is noticing when you become dysregulated and works with you to find a sense of regulation again.
These experiences, over time, let your nervous system know that it is safe to feel.
Support/Community Groups
If not in your personal support network or in therapy, co-regulation can be found in community spaces.
There are so many support groups and community spaces that exist across the world, both in-person and online. All it may take is a google search to begin to explore your areas of interest to find folks you have common ground with.
To name a few:
Eating Disorder Support Groups
ACA Groups
The list, of course, goes on
Facebook groups are one of the reasons I maintain a presence there. There’s a group for seemingly everything, and you don’t need to leave your house if you don’t wish to.
In sum, co-regulating with other beings is vital to our survival and is healing, especially if you haven't had consistent co-regulation in your early development.
If you are seeking deeper connections, know that you are not alone.
My hope, through this blog series, is to call in a community of folks who are interested in learning more about their nervous systems and may wish to do so in a co-regulating space.
As we know, self-regulation doesn't happen without experiences of co-regulation, so perhaps we can do this together!
Stay tuned for more information on groups to come in our practice. Want to be the first to hear about it? Join the waitlist here!
And as always, we are here to support you, so please reach out with any questions and/or if you have interest in community spaces such as these.
🧡,
Looking for therapy support?
Reclaim Therapy is a trauma focused practice in Horsham, PA. We provide trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, therapy for eating disorders and body image concerns in our Horsham offices and virtually across the state of PA.
Our team of trauma therapists are passionate about supporting people to reclaim their lives from the impact of trauma, disordered eating and body-shame.