Reclaim You- Let’s Talk Weddings… And All That Can Come With Them
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In this conversation, Sarah and Laura discuss the challenges and pressures that come with wedding planning, particularly related to body image and disordered eating. They emphasize the importance of considering financial well-being, inclusivity, and accessibility when making wedding-related decisions. They also provide tips for navigating dress shopping, staying resilient against societal pressures, and maintaining a focus on the relationship rather than the wedding itself. Additionally, they discuss the dynamics of family involvement and offer advice for setting boundaries and communicating effectively. Planning a wedding can be overwhelming, but there are ways to navigate the process with ease.
Takeaways
Consider your financial well-being when making wedding-related decisions and be mindful of budgeting.
Prioritize inclusivity and accessibility in your wedding planning, such as choosing a venue that accommodates all sizes and abilities.
Find a supportive person to accompany you during dress shopping and focus on feeling comfortable and beautiful in your chosen outfit.
Stay resilient against societal pressures, such as 'shredding for the wedding,' by grounding yourself, practicing body neutrality, and seeking support from professionals.
Remember that the wedding is about the relationship with your partner and the commitment you are making to each other, rather than the external details.
Set clear boundaries with family members and communicate openly about their involvement in the wedding planning process.
Prioritize effective communication and seek therapy if needed to navigate family dynamics and conflicts that may arise during wedding planning. Set boundaries with family members and be prepared for potential conflicts.
Take care of yourself throughout the planning process by getting enough sleep, eating well, and taking breaks.
Establish a budget and prioritize what is most important to you and your partner.
Stay grounded, be present, and enjoy the moment on the day of the wedding.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi, there.
[00:01] Sarah: Welcome to reclaim you, a podcast published by the reclaim therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy, because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to reclaim you. Laura is here, and we're celebrating that she got married. Yay. She had her wedding. She was already married. She had her wedding. She had her big party.
[00:33] Laura: Not a month ago, I guess.
[00:35] Sarah: Has it been a month already? It has.
[00:39] Laura: It's crazy. Gotta finish up those thinking odes and get them out.
[00:44] Sarah: Yeah. One of the many pressures, right?
[00:46] Laura: Yeah. Yeah. It's the last in a long line of things. You know, most of it is.
[00:53] Sarah: I mean, along the lines of wedding pressures. That's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:57] Laura: Yes, we are. Yeah, sure. A lot can come up as one is looking forward to getting married.
[01:05] Sarah: Absolutely. I know that I have a couple of clients right now who are in the throes of wedding planning, and since Laura has just successfully navigated all of the things, we thought it would be a good time to chat about weddings and body image and disordered eating and trauma stuff. There's so much that weddings can hold and bring up.
[01:29] Laura: Indeed.
[01:30] Sarah: Yeah. What do you feel like was maybe one of the most unexpected parts of wedding planning and wedding completion? Is that the right phrase?
[01:39] Laura: Yeah, unexpected. Was anything unexpected? I mean, I don't know that this is unexpected per se, but, like, even when one is trying to stay within budget, inevitably it's like, that is such a challenge. So, like, one of the things that I thought about just mentioning today is taking into account your financial well being as you're going through this, because it's very easy to get wrapped up to have, you know, fomo to say, oh, what's another? This much money, and before you know it, you know, your budget has ballooned. So I think I. I think I had a pretty good starting sort of, like, place to step into this just because I used to officiate weddings when I served as a pastor. So, like, I saw it all behind the scenes and I, you know, offered premarital counseling, so I had some semblance of what to expect. And just from anecdotal, you know, evidence from friends. And the other thing that I didn't anticipate, this was probably even more surprising was I started to follow, you know, some social media related to, like, budget weddings and things like that. And what I didn't anticipate was the sheer amount of folks out there who were really struggling with the dress, like picking a dress, wearing the dress, family members offering their opinions on how you look in your dress, which just left a lot of people sort of searching through social media for some support from others who might be going through it. I mean, some really mean comments were made and, you know, family members can be wonderfully supportive, but they also can be really hurtful. So I think I was. I was surprised by the sheer number of people who were sharing that on some of the boards or some of the social media sites that I was on.
[03:41] Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. The navigation of dress shopping and trying things on. And for lots of folks, finding inclusive brands, which also feels like almost impossible, right?
[03:55] Laura: Yep.
[03:56] Sarah: Yeah. It feels like a lot of landmines all held in the dress.
[04:01] Laura: Oh, sure, sure. Yeah. And, you know, we could apply that as well to things like the venue. Right. One of the things that I was really intentional about was selecting a venue that was accessible for folks who I knew would be attending my wedding. So whether that was folks who were in all sizes and abilities of body, it was really important that there were all gender restrooms for me to be inclusive. And then also just like, something as simple as the. The furniture. Right. Like the. The seating. Making sure that the chairs were sturdy enough. Like, some of those places automatically are having chairs that have, you know, a 500 pound or higher weighted rating, sometimes a thousand, but you don't always know. And ones that have had a lot of use tend to be rickety. They're not always, like, up to snuff. So one of the things we did was we just on Facebook, Marketplace got some banquet chairs that had been liquidated from a banquet hall that, you know, I did my research. I knew that they were highly rated. You know, we cleaned them up. They were pretty clean anyway, and then had them just available to the side for anyone. And, like, you know, just a note to people, like, if you need a different chair, here they are. Help yourself.
[05:20] Sarah: Amazing.
[05:20] Laura: Yeah, yeah. Wider seat, no arms on it. You know, things like that. But I think that's something that often, you know, we don't think about and even, like, the length of distance, you know, from down the aisle. You know, I. I had folks involved in my wedding who have some issues with walking distances for various reasons. And so, you know, not getting so caught up in the. I have to do it this way and instead thinking, like, outside of the box. So one of the things we did is like, listen, you know, if the walk is too much, then you know, we'll just enter in here or we'll start it from here, or we'll just come out from the back. You know, whatever, we did it. We were at the venue. Not in a church, you know, stairs and things like that. Like, I think that I tend to be more aware of accessibility needs because my mother was in a very large wheelchair for a long time and then also just by virtue of this work. Yeah, but, you know, those were things, too, that I think sometimes we don't think about but can have an impact on how much you can enjoy your wedding or others can enjoy.
[06:27] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. And thinking of how. Yeah, it can be so easy to get caught up in, like, the. I don't know, like, the look of things. Right. Like the vision and not that felt experience of feeling, like, with your guests and with these people who are so important to you that they're coming to your wedding to make it feel, like, comfortable and relational for everyone instead of just, you know, how it looks and appears and all of those things.
[06:54] Laura: Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah. I mean, I think you can do both. Like, I think you can be aware of those things and do the best that you can. And, you know, my. It was great. My husband was really good at reminding me, like, listen, you're not going to be able to meet every need. And I just. I tried my best. Right. Like, having, you know, I even had something, like I decided to print on extra name cards just in case someone's name was spelled wrong. And as it turned out, one of my guests, between when they RSVP'd and when they attended the wedding, had changed their name and they had begun to transition from female to male. And so, you know, I didn't like, like, having those extra name cards helped because then this person wasn't sitting there being dead, named by their nameplate, you know, their name tag, or, like, someone, you know at the last minute you want to invite someone in. I mean, those are, like, technicalities that are less. There's so many details. And at the end of the day, I think what I would say to anyone is, like, come back to the center, the ground of why you're there and why you're having this day. And, like, look at your partner and look at yourself and, like, the journey that you've been on together and know that, a, you're not alone in all this because your partner's in it with you and make sure you're talking it through these things together. But to not let this day define the entirety of a relationship or define how much you enjoy or don't enjoy your wedding. It's just a day.
[08:25] Sarah: Yeah. And I think similarly, right, with the dress, of course, some people do have visions or they know what they want their wedding dress to be like. And again, the look, it can be easy to. To gravitate right towards that. And with the dress, like, what I keep in my mind, what dress, what outfit, what way you adorn your body is going to allow you to feel the most comfortable to engage in this day in the way that you want to. Right?
[08:54] Laura: Yeah. Yeah. And you had mentioned earlier, you know. Okay, so fortunately, nowadays, there's a lot more information out there about size inclusive brands, right? Like places that you can get size inclusive wedding dresses. Now, that may not mean that the people there are very welcoming and friendly. That all depends. But one of the things, you know, that I think is really important is having a really supportive person to take with you as you're going and looking at dresses. So, you know, maybe your mom wants to be there, but maybe your mom is not the most supportive person when it comes to your body. Right. Maybe mom feels like she has the right to comment about your weight or other things. At the end of the day, this is your dress, and you are the best judge of how comfortable you feel in it and how beautiful you feel, and that's what matters most. But having that supportive person who can sort of, you know, step in, even, like, you know, a person who can advocate for you if needed, with family members or, you know, just sort of, like, run interference with some jerk who might be, you know, giving you wedding dresses to try on. You know, that's the thing, is, like, you know, there's a lot of places where they won't even have your size. Like, to even try on some folks, you know, when I was out there looking at things, some folks just bought them online and, like, tried them on at home and then identified, like, a local tailor, you know, who could do their fittings for them that they knew. I had a friend make mine who? This is what she did. So we went to the fashion district in New York City. We picked out fabric together. It was a fun day, and she did my measurements, and that felt really safe. I was fortunate enough to have someone that talented, but other people might not think of that. Is there someone out there who might be able to help you in that process in some way, shape or form?
[10:50] Sarah: And I think there are some specialty, they're few and far between. Some specialty inclusive bridal shops out there that really specialize in making this an experience that is the best that it possibly can be?
[11:03] Laura: Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do your research when it comes to that. And, you know, there's, there's, in this day and age, there's so many resources available, whether it's Reddit or, you know, various social media platforms or pages where you can access other people who've gone through this experience and can share what worked and what didn't work for them.
[11:30] Sarah: And what about just like, maybe a couple, I don't know, like a couple tips, a couple tools for people as they're there with the dress and then the fittings, of course, having that supportive person who can really be there with you and give you exactly what you need in those moments. And what about even, like, preparing for, for the visits to the tailor or to the dress shop or whatever? What are a couple of things that people can keep in mind?
[11:56] Laura: I think, first and foremost is, you know, let's just honor that you're probably going to have some anxiety, right? Let's honor it. There's no need to shame yourself for feeling that way. We welcome the anxiety. We thank the anxiety for being there. You know, that part of us is there to protect us, to keep us from getting hurt, and then also utilizing tools that we might have available to us or availing ourselves of some tools that help us to work with our anxiety and to regulate ourselves emotionally. So grounding exercises, breathing exercises, maybe even some, you know, a guided meditation related to your relationship with your body and just coming into the experience with a sense of groundedness, but maybe a sense of, you know, doubling down on body neutrality, watching how we talk to ourselves. Right? Am I shaming, am I body shaming myself in this whole process? Am I approaching this appointment with, oh, my gosh, I have to lose this much weight or, oh, my gosh, you know, I'm going to go into this and nothing is going to fit me. Nothing is going to look right on me. You know, just those sort of deeply held beliefs that come out of our experience of diet, culture and all the shaming that comes with that, to try and see if there's a way to contain those and not bring them with you to the appointments and to walk in as sort of neutral as possible. And it's okay to be a little excited, too. Remember, like, excitement and anxiety are similar energy, right?
[13:34] Sarah: That's for sure. Yeah.
[13:35] Laura: Two sides of the same coin. So that anxiety might also be excitement and. Yeah, but that takes some prep, right? Like, if you see your therapist, do some work with your therapist, some behavioral rehearsal type work.
[13:52] Sarah: Yeah.
[13:53] Laura: You know, work on those tools that would be helpful. And quite frankly, any tools that are helping you with regulating that nervous system are going to be helpful throughout this process and in life.
[14:05] Sarah: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Absolutely.
[14:09] Laura: The more that you can prepare yourself walking in and just accept that, you know, yeah, there might be a bad experience, but the experience that I have is not a reflection of me and who I am.
[14:20] Sarah: Yes, yes. It's like sidestepping the shame story, right? And along with shame, I'm just thinking about, like, the resiliency to the hooks of, like, shredding for the wedding because they're going to be out there. They're going to be out there in full force, and the algorithm is going to get you. It's just going to happen. We got to prepare for it. So how do we stay resilient?
[14:41] Laura: It's not easy. You know, it's not. It is. It's everywhere. And even when you're not wanting to look for it, it's showing up. I think, at the end of the day. Again, some of. Some of the things we've talked about throughout this podcast about coming back to the center, coming back to, you know, your true self, your wise self through grounding and other things, working with someone, a dietitian who is weight inclusive, you know, health at every size, intuitive eating, working with a therapist to help manage some of those things, having good supports in place. The fact of the matter is that at the end of the day, what I invite my clients who might be going through this, like I say, hey, listen, what's the most important thing about what's happening with this wedding? And to remember that, like, this is, this is about the relationship with you and your partner that you're choosing together to step into this commitment to one another in front of family and friends. And for so many of us, coming to that relationship, finding that relationship and finding joy in that relationship has been such a journey in and of itself. So to celebrate all of that healing that you've done, the effort that you've put into communication and healthy functioning in a relationship, and to remember that your partner loves you as you are, right. There's no need to change yourself for one day, whether that's losing weight or, you know, so many people spend a lot of money on some other alterations and, you know, as they're preparing for their wedding, is it necessary? If you want to do it and it helps you feel beautiful, there's no problem with that. But, you know, if it's not necessary for you to lose weight or to make any permanent changes like through surgery or anything like that, that's not necessary. You might have those thoughts, but come back to that belief and that deep seated understanding that this is a person who has chosen you and loves you, and if you can't get there, maybe that's something to explore in therapy. So coming back to the core, coming back to the root, remembering that, always coming back to that as you're going through the process and you, you know, like your partner, being a partner in the process with you as well is really important, which makes hard, I think.
[17:22] Sarah: For some people who have a hard time asking to have their needs met or to express their needs or to pull people in thinking they can. I mean, I'm classic for this, like, thinking I can just do it better by myself, you know, and then getting overwhelmed and resentful and all of those things that can be really tough.
[17:38] Laura: Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, as skilled as we are as clinicians, we can fall victim to it ourselves. Right. I mean, I feel victim to it at times in this process where I just got, you know, caught up in the emotions of the moment or got caught up in family dysfunction that goes back forever in a day and has nothing to do with me or the wedding. And I was really fortunate that I have a really solid relationship with my husband and, you know, was able to express to him how I was feeling, expressed, you know, my resentments or my frustrations or my fears. And he was a really great sounding board for a lot of things, you know, that. That need to, like, want to do it all myself because I can do it best or because I can't trust that anyone else will show up was so present. Right. And, yeah, there were people who weren't able to show up for various reasons. Right. And there were others who were there a million percent. And at the end of the day, my husband was really great at just reminding me, like, is this important? Is this necessary? You know, he has some strengths, and he's not one to get caught up in, like, fomo and overspending and things like that. So to sort of bring me back down to earth, and then I, as well, was able to offer some. Some complimentary things in terms of his own process and anxieties around the wedding. So come back to the relationship, because that's what it's about.
[19:11] Sarah: It's this relationship over and over again. Yeah.
[19:16] Laura: And if there's things that are a struggle in that relationship, I mean, it can test a relationship. I think it's a really good indication of how prepared we are for the long haul in a lot of ways. Like how do you deal with the conflict that is going to arise? The challenges are going to arise. Are you dealing with them in ways that are life giving, that are working toward healing, or are you caught up in old ways of being and doing? And again, that's where I used to do premarital counseling with people, and I required it as a pastor because I used to say to them, listen, I want this to be a once and done right. Like, I want to know that when, like, I'm saying all these words to you and you're taking these vows, that, like, this is it. Sometimes it's not it for various reasons that have nothing to do with what's happened at the beginning, but to really start to look at, like, those ins and outs of relationship, a lot of folks nowadays don't have that relationship with a religious organization or what have you. But, you know, if you're having any stressors come up, maybe some couples therapy would be helpful or seeing someone yourself to sort of work through some of that, if it's feeling overwhelming.
[20:35] Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. And just thinking about the dynamics around weddings, I mean, these big life events. Right. The family dynamics tend to pop off. Things can get really stirred up really quick. Just curious, any tips for navigating family stuff? Maybe dysfunction, maybe angst, I don't know, whatever you want to call it, navigating those types of things as you're planning a wedding because, gosh, it can get kind of ugly in my experience, at least before weddings.
[21:12] Laura: Yeah. Oh, for sure. For sure. I've seen it. I've witnessed it. Didn't, you know, I didn't experience it firsthand as intensely as I might have in a different iteration of myself. But, yeah, it's very, you know, I still got caught up at times. I think that for me, what I really thought about this, I thought, you know, being really clear from the get go about how involved you're willing to let your family be, having that conversation with your partner, like, how much, say, does mom or dad or so and so have in this? And being clear about, you know, are they contributing financially and what does that mean in terms of their involvement? That can get dicey. You know, if someone's paying for the wedding, they're going to want to say a lot about the day. And maybe there needs to be from the beginning some boundaries established about, like, we really appreciate this gift, but are there strings attached? Let's be clear. Right? Like, and does your vision for giving us this money match our vision for what we want this day to be. And if it doesn't, what does that mean then, in terms of a decision? So, yeah, I think really getting clear on those boundaries, which can be hard in a family where maybe boundaries aren't great. We haven't learned them really well. I think that's where your partner may be helpful. But if you can get clear on that and kind of at least stay in that plan of action, I think that can be really helpful. And continuing to communicate about things and not being afraid to say no.
[23:05] Sarah: Yeah.
[23:07] Laura: Which is going to come with consequences. Maybe.
[23:12] Sarah: Maybe.
[23:14] Laura: But whose day is this?
[23:16] Sarah: Right. Right.
[23:18] Laura: Whose wedding is this? Yeah. So to give that some thought in advance, and, you know, you're going to know, like, you're going to know, okay, I know this person is going to be a cause of some concern. Like, I just can bank on it and maybe they surprise you. Great. But the odds are they're not going to surprise you. And to think in advance, how would I handle it? Like, if this starts up with this person, what might I say to them? How might I address this? Is there a way for me to address this before it even happens? And again, that's boundary setting. But I think to be prepared when it comes to that, to understand the dynamics of your family and also to remember that, like, they no doubt have love at the heart of what they're trying to do. They just might have a really messed up way of showing it or a really dysfunctional way of showing it. So can you come back to that center of compassion for this person and operate from that compassion and curiosity? Like, hey, I really appreciate that you want to be involved in this, but I'm curious, like, why is this so important that we do this or don't do this? Help me to understand that better. That can often bring the heat down from the get go.
[24:32] Sarah: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can still be curious and compassionate and boundaried at the same time. They can exist altogether.
[24:40] Laura: Exactly. It takes practice, and it's an opportunity practice. It's not going to be perfect. We wouldn't expect it to be. And it's okay. Give yourself permission to be messy. Some of these things you're going to be doing for the first time with your family, maybe.
[24:54] Sarah: Yeah, for sure. For sure. What else feels important to kind of talk about around weddings?
[25:00] Laura: We talked about the social media stuff, the Fomo stuff, in terms of the whole process to come back to, like, take care of yourself, if, you know, for many of us, we're working full time. We have other things going on in our lives, and then on top of it, we're planning this event. And for some of us, event planning, it's not our forte. You know, we don't all have the luxury of being able to afford people to help us with that, a wedding planner or what have you. So how are you taking care of yourself, and how are you being held accountable to that by your partner, by a friend, by others? Are you getting adequate sleep and food? And are you taking time to not be planning 100% of the time, but instead to do something fun or to rest, but really taking good care of yourself? The last thing you want to do is come to the week of the wedding and be sick and dragging and just, you know, or just overwhelmed emotionally, because how can you then enjoy it in the way that you want to? And I think I mentioned, too, like, the financial piece of it is as well, taking care of that financial piece, knowing, okay, this is our estimated budget. This is the absolute ceiling on our budget, and we're not going to go past that. And it might mean we have to make some difficult decisions. But at the end of the day, is this thing, this aspect of the wedding, worth the investment that it's going to require of us? You know, is it worth going in debt over, knowing that that's going to be with us as we enter into our marriage together? To really think through those things and again, engaging your partner in those conversations, I think is important. Everyone's budget's going to be different. Everyone's going to have different, important things that they want to have. And maybe that's even the case as well, is creating a list. Like, this is the stuff that's most important for us. It was like, we want really great food, really great food, smells really great caterer. We got a great venue, but we were really specific about choosing a venue, which our caterer helped us to find by virtue of being engaged with them as a preferred caterer. But it's a nonprofit, so we weren't looking at tens of thousands of dollars just to have a facility. So there, you know, I think there are. There are creative ways to have the wedding of your dreams without then being left with a nightmare of death.
[27:29] Sarah: Yeah. Because life goes on after the wedding. Right. Again, like. Like, back to this one day that, yes, it's beautiful and fun, and you deserve to be celebrated if that's what you want. And there can be repercussions of, like, going real big.
[27:46] Laura: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean, the cost of wedding cakes and flowers alone you know, are expensive. And if it's really important that you have these things, then where are the, you know, where are you making up that money? Elsewhere? Yeah, if you, you know, because I think most of us probably have to. We have some concept of what a budget is for a wedding, and it's really easy, you know, to get caught up in the so and so is doing this, especially if you're a person who's getting married at the same time, a lot of other people are getting married in your social circle. That can be really hard. So, again, to try not to compare.
[28:27] Sarah: Yeah.
[28:28] Laura: But instead, to really come back to, what are my values? What are my partner's values when it comes to this day, what is most important for us? And then how do we create the day based on those values and not. I think having that core, sort of grounded place to start from can help keep us from getting sidetracked by other people's stuff. Yeah, for sure. A photographer wise. So, like, choosing a photographer that you feel really comfortable with, take your time with that. Like, get to know them, talk to them, ask them, you know, what their style is, or, you know, get a sense of who they are, especially if we're struggling in our bodies.
[29:10] Sarah: Yeah, I was gonna say a really.
[29:12] Laura: Great photographer is gonna be important, someone that you really trust and feel at ease with and the day of as well. I wanted to say a few things about that, like starting the day by taking some time for yourself to just be. To breathe, maybe go for a walk, if you can, or sit and meditate or just to do something to help yourself come into a place of centeredness and to remind yourself of the importance, you know, what is important today? How do I want this day to look for me? As I was driving over, I had finished hair and makeup, and I was driving to the venue by myself to meet up with my husband. I just had that time in the car to really get settled, get centered. And at the same time, another aspect of this is be mindful of the potential for grief to show up, especially if there are people who are not there for whatever reason that is, whether they've died or maybe their relationship is not in your life anymore. So just give yourself that space to feel that grief and to not be surprised if it shows up that day. Your makeup artist has got you. Your makeup will be okay.
[30:41] Sarah: Yeah, they've got you. They've got you.
[30:43] Laura: And if you do your own makeup, you've got yourself, right? Yes, do your own makeup. That's fine, too.
[30:49] Sarah: Yeah.
[30:50] Laura: But, you know, the grief. Part of it, I think, is important to keep in mind, getting grounded so you can be present, remembering the reason for the day and this love you have for your partner. And then I think the final thing that I would say is, like, stuff's gonna go awry. It always does. But no one except for you will probably notice. So, like, if, like, at the end of the day, I was just like, you know what? To heck with this. We don't need this. We don't need this. Just like I was at the site, like, we don't have time for this. We don't need this. We don't need. And then finally eat the food.
[31:22] Sarah: Yes. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself.
[31:26] Laura: Exactly. You've paid good money for good food. Or you spend a lot of time preparing good food or having loved ones. Prepare good food. Eat the stuff. Eat it. We actually worked with our caterer. He was awesome. He already kind of. He already had this set up, but, you know, he set aside, like, all the hors d'oeuvres for us to have at our table, because during that hour, we were, like, all over the place. We were doing pictures. He made sure that, you know, we had our meals spaced out enough where we could just sit and eat. I didn't want a sweetheart table, honestly. I was like, f that. Like, I don't want to, like, be sick by myself, but my husband said, I just. I'm going to need some space. And we wound up doing that, and it was the best thing we could because we actually got to eat and just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. So eat the food. Enjoy the day. And. And also, people said to me afterwards, you know, be prepared for that post wedding dip. Be prepared to just feel that sort of depression, because all of these months and years of leading up, and then it's over, I found that I didn't experience that because I was really intentional about being as centered and grounded and really enjoying the day for what it is. And, you know, I had the equivalent of maybe half a glass of wine at my wedding. Right. I really. I wasn't drinking heavily. I wasn't using any other substances. And that's not to get all moral and high and mighty, but it did help me to really present. So, yeah, I mean, whatever you need to determine for yourself with your partner what is most important, stick to that, those values. Revisit them as a couple, and stay grounded and centered and be compassionate with yourself and others. I think you'll have a pretty good day.
[33:18] Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. You sure did. You sure did.
[33:22] Laura: We did. We had a really, really wonderful time. It was great. Yeah, it was. You know, and I had a moment. My mother was not there, and I had a moment at my shower, more so about my. Because my mom's been gone now 15 years almost. And in the car on the way over, one of the things that I did, I had about half an hour drive is I just had some conversation with her as if she was there. That was important for me and my grief. And so that was helpful. We had pictures, a memory table up, like, with all the people that we love who have died and aren't there. And then I also gave some thought, too. There's some relationships in my life that have ended that I imagined would be people who would be at my wedding. And I just gave some thought to that as well. Hmm. I'm just going to send some love and compassion toward that person and just honor that there is a grief. I miss them, and I miss their presence. The relationship is what it is right now.
[34:22] Sarah: Thank you so much for sharing.
[34:24] Laura: Of course, of course. Yeah, there's probably more, but, you know, there are a lot of people out there going through this, and I encourage them to share with others who are going through this, their own experiences. And heck, if you have any feedback for us or anything that's worked for you, we'd love to hear it.
[34:41] Sarah: Yeah. And we'd love to share it too, because, yeah, like we said at the beginning of the episode, this is. It's so intense. It's such an intense period of time, or it can feel like such an intense period of time leading up to a wedding, and even not having the wedding to think about after the wedding to plan for in all that time and space that you do get to reclaim with something different. Right. It can feel like that. Well, what do I do now? What do I think about now? What do I plan for now? I have all this free time, you know, that can also feel overwhelming, but.
[35:11] Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Try and be balanced. The other thing that came to mind, as you were saying that, too, is, like, there's this, like, people who go on their honeymoons right away, I just invite you to really think about whether or not, and now I was 46 getting married, so I'm not 26. I don't have that energy anymore. I don't know that I ever really did have that energy. But, you know, the thought of having to get on a plane the next day or in a couple of days, like, was just like, we just decided, you know what? We're just gonna hold off and we'll do that later. And instead we just had time off. Then we had the weekend and a day or two to recover and to just be. And then went back to work, and that was good for us. But, yeah, think about, it's a long day. You're going to be going for a lot of hours. Do you really want the added challenge of having to be ready to go to travel somewhere right afterwards? Maybe give it a couple of days at least?
[36:15] Sarah: Yeah, I know when I got married, this was 14 years ago, we went the day after. And I remember, I mean, I don't remember much, but I remember trying to, like, slam everything into a suitcase at 05:00 in the morning to get on a plane to Aruba. It was a lot. And then we were exhausted. Right. We were so tired, so stinking tired.
[36:34] Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you want. You want to be able to enjoy the honeymoon. I mean, you're paying a lot to go on your honeymoon, right? Like you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, really enjoy it. And if that means planning it further out, and again, that's something that people like, oh, where are you going on your honeymoon? And I'm like, oh, well, we're not.
[36:52] Sarah: We're just resting. We're resting.
[36:55] Laura: We're chilling. So there is a countercultural aspect to some of that, which can be hard to do, but I think the more we practice it just in life in general, around diet, culture and things like that, the easier it becomes. But, yeah, like, think about how am I going to be if, you know, I've been under all this pressure and all this stuff to do this next thing, whatever that next thing is. Yeah. But, yeah, you want to enjoy your honeymoon, so you go a week later or a month later or a year later, you know, you have something to look forward to. Then it sort of spaces it out and you have more time to save up and.
[37:30] Sarah: And more time to just, like, rest and enjoy the relationship. Right. Recover. Yeah. Lean into the values of your relationship and the values that you want for that day. Yeah.
[37:41] Laura: You're worth it. You and your partner both. That relationship is worth it. You know, relationships are really sacred. They're really special. And to find someone where you both make this decision, let that be the thing that is most important after all, and come back to that when you need to.
[38:02] Sarah: Yeah. Over and over again.
[38:05] Laura: Yeah.
[38:06] Sarah: Each and every day, reminder to myself.
[38:08] Laura: Yeah. Yeah. And remember, you know, I will say this, too, like, you know, the registry is a great thing, and. But it's really easy to get caught up in that, too. Like, oh, I need all this. You know, really think about, like, is this really something we're going to use or do we have space in our current. You know, it's very okay these days to have a cash pool, right? Like a honeymoon under a. We did a house fund, you know, and. And that's what we had some things for the shower, but otherwise, and even so, like, my husband was like, all right, what else is coming? Like, this is too much. Right. We have 20 years on our own, you know? Right.
[38:45] Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.
[38:46] Laura: So, yeah, make sure you involve your partner in that, too. Like, I think it's easy for one of us to get on there and be like, I want all the stuff.
[38:52] Sarah: Uh huh.
[38:54] Laura: And then your partner's like, and where is this going?
[38:56] Sarah: And where is it going? Can we send it back? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[39:00] Laura: So there's lots, but come back to the joy of what this is all about. And, uh, yeah, I think that that can go a long way.
[39:10] Sarah: Well, thank you so much. Right. People. People need this. Like, I don't know, just grounded conversation to not get lost in the sauce.
[39:18] Laura: Exactly. Yeah. You don't need to invite everyone you ever met. Right. It's perfectly okay to have a very small gathering. It's perfectly okay to just have your wedding at your house and wear pajamas. Like, you know, like. Like when I talked about creativity earlier, like, you get to decide. You and your partner get to decide how you want this to elope and.
[39:37] Sarah: Save yourself a lot of money.
[39:40] Laura: Yep. Especially in this economy. Yeah, yeah, yep.
[39:49] Sarah: Yeah.
[39:49] Laura: But give us your feedback, tell us your tips, and we'll happily share them if you'd like us to.
[39:54] Sarah: Absolutely. All right, y'all, we hope that you enjoyed this episode and that it supports folks who are preparing for a wedding or maybe recovering from a wedding. But yeah, until next week, take good care.
[40:08] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of reclaim. You be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube. Eclaim U. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma disorders, eating or body image concerns, head over to our website at www.reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself.
Reclaim Therapy provides trauma therapy, therapy for complex trauma and therapy for eating disorders in Horsham, PA.
We’re passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from diet culture, body shame and the impact of trauma.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.