How Trauma Affects Relationships

“Hurt people hurt people” A mentor of mine often shared this wisdom from his many years of experience.

It was a phrase that helped him to step back from challenging interactions and gain perspective on others’ behaviors before responding.

In the midst of the hurt being caused by the other, he was able to see their unhealed wounds and respond with compassion and care. For some, this was a balm that shifted them toward their own journey of healing.

When we’ve experienced trauma, the wounds we carry run deep and wide and often impact our ability to be in a relationship.

Deep down we wonder why it’s so hard to form close bonds with others.

We struggle to trust anyone.

The relationships we do have may be unstable, prone to extreme shifts in our emotional connections.

If you or someone you know struggle in similar ways, the below outline seeks to help increase understanding of how trauma impacts relationships.

Working with an specialized trauma therapist can help you or a loved one begin to shift the narrative from “hurt people hurt people” to “healed people heal people.”

TRAUMA impacts all aspects of our relationship with ourselves and others.

Triggered Easily

• Lives in constant hypervigilant state

  • Always on the lookout for danger - perceives threats that others may not recognize

  • Lack of overall sense of safety (physically, emotionally, relationally, etc.)

• Somatization – impact of trauma manifests physically as tension, pain, illness, chronic conditions, etc.

• Nervous system defaults to sympathetic response state

  Fight – engages in behaviors to protect from harm

  • Often angry; rage responses; temper tantrums

  • May be perceived as someone who starts fights, is a source of drama, etc.

  Flight-uses a variety of behaviors to escape perceived threat

  • May be perceive as anxious and/or high energy

  • Distract by overengaging in other areas, such as working long hours

  Fawn – makes efforts to endear oneself to perceived threat

  • People pleasing

  • Inability to set or maintain boundaries

  • Codependency

  Freeze - shuts down completely

  • Lack of energy to engage in everyday activities

  • Dissociation – zoned out

  • Numbs via substance abuse, etc.

Relationship Struggles

• Lack of trust due to history of abuse of trust by others

• Often feels personally attacked

• Relationship extremes – love or hate; euphoric or hopelessly dejected

• Uses relationships as means of distraction/disconnection from difficult emotions and situations; may appear overly invested or obsessive

• Tendency to overfunction in relationships; often over involved in others’ lives; need to save others

• Tendency to blame others; unable to recognize their role in struggles

Anxiety and Fear

• Deeply ingrained belief of unworthiness/unloveability

• Anxious or avoidant attachment to others

• Fear of abandonment leads to behaviors to “keep” the relationship (e.g. neediness, co-dependency)

• Fear of abandonment may lead to abrupt cut off as a means of trying to maintain power and control (i.e. better leave than be left)

Untrusting

• Terrified of being vulnerable because of past history of being hurt by others

• Unable to form deep and lasting bonds (check out how to accept love as a CPTSD survivor)

Mood Dysregulation

• Out of control emotional extremes – disproportionate responses

• Highly sensitive:

  • Easily affected by actions of others

  • May cut off without explanation

• Easily overwhelmed by everyday life

Avoidance

• Self-isolation – avoids social situations; often cancels plans at the last minute

• Inability to commit to plans and/or relationships

• Conflict avoidant:

  • Carry on as if everything is okay despite underlying tensions or blow ups

  • Inability to talk through relationship issues

  • Tendency to cut off when relationships are too challenging (e.g. ghosting)

My name is Laura Gordon and I’m an EMDR Therapist in Horsham, PA who specializes in providing therapy for Complex PTSD and Eating Disorders Therapy.

I believe that healing after trauma is possible, and that it is your right to reclaim your life, your relationships and your ability to engage in your relationships in a way that feels value driven and aligned with who you really are.

Our team provides trauma therapy in Horsham, PA and would be honored to support you in your healing.

🧡,

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